Square One
by Itdoesringabell
Summary: /Post S2 AU/ She had never been interested in Dan Humphrey in high school, she certainly wasn't after.
1. Chapter 1

_Hi lovelies ! So here is Square One, that I had promised to publsih this weekend._

_Now about this story, I wanted to do something that was Blair-centric, because I need to remind myself that she is a part of Dair and I feel like I sometime neglect my little Blair Bear. Also, I wanted to put Dair in a place where they would have never been put in the show, because AUs are unfortunately the only thing that can salvage them after season 6. Sigh._

_This is rated M, because this fic is serious smut material. I'm sure you'll agree with me._

_Hope you'll enjoy it, have a good reading. :)_

* * *

The truth is, he was there, when no one else was.

Staring at her reflection in the mirror, Blair browses in her memories for all of the steps, the decisions she took in her life, all of the unexpected circumstances that led her to this point, in this room, waiting for the make-up artist from Vogue.

After graduation, Chuck and her didn't last very long. He started building this project, with hotels and private clubs, and a lot of matter that Blair didn't really get. The only thing she understood, at that time, was that Chuck didn't have time for her he didn't have time for a young romance, and she was unable to give him what he actually wanted.

They separated, and then Blair was alone. Serena was at Brown, and her old minions did not care anymore about being in her good graces. NYU was not her territory, she felt lost; she simply didn't fit.

Freshman year of college passed and she transferred to Columbia. The city emptied out. Everyone she knew from high school was busy trying to find themselves, and they all thought that staying in New York would only block their journey to self-discovery. London, Japan, Thailand; Blair eventually lost track of who went where.

Except him. He stayed in New York because he knew, just like she did, that being born in New York, one can never truly be themselves anywhere but there.

They reconnected at a charity gala at Columbia. They hadn't really been in touch before, because Blair was too busy being miserable without Chuck and she didn't even care about what he had been up to during their entire freshman year.

But reconnecting with him was good. One thing was certain, they had both grown up, they were different. They laughed over flutes of champagne, shared childhood memories, high school memories and the morning after, she woke up against his naked body, his arm around her, protecting, caring.

Back to square one, she thinks.

Everything after that went pretty fast. They started dating, she was smiling again, she didn't care about Chuck anymore. She could only see him, the boy turned man who was so good to her, and so loving, and who treated her like a princess. Then she slowly moved into his place, bringing over things every time she slept over and never taking them back.

She completely stopped hearing from Serena, as if they both grew up and out of their friendship simultaneously.

One night, he knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring. Blair didn't hesitate for a second before answering.

"Yes! Yes! Oh God, yes!"

They kissed, he spun her around. They called their families, who acted like they are not unhinged by the news. After all, they were only twenty. Then Blair and her mother started looking for a dress, and she knew he was working on his vows; he wanted to write them himself.

And so she is there. Looking at her reflection in the mirror, waiting for the make-up artist from Vogue.

She feels like everything happens, and she isn't even aware of it. Like she is watching the happy life of someone else. When she puts on her veil, her fingers are trembling. She can feel the excitement in her whole body. Nothing is ever going to compare to that feeling, she is sure of it.

When she walks down the aisle, holding nervously Harold's arm, she doesn't stop looking at him. He smiles, and she can't help smiling back, because he is everything she's ever wanted; he is everything she's ever known.

They exchange vows, his bring tears to her eyes, and then minister gives her the cue. She is ready. She knows how to do this. She has been practicing this sentence ever since she was twelve years old.

"I, Blair Waldorf, take thee Nathaniel Archibald, to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; and I promise to be faithful to you until death do us part"

As she says the sentence specifically designed for those kinds of moments, she can't help thinking; the death of what? The other one, who she is from now on forming a symbolic entity with, or the death of love?

When the bells ring, it channels to her heart. She doesn't even care for the rice beans that get stuck in her hair-do. Everything is perfect and will never stop to be.

They move in an apartment in Lily and Rufus' building. They invite them to brunch, and it's strange to stand there, as two married couples, instead of with their good friends' parents.

Chuck is the first one to come back to New York, bankrupt. He seeks for Nate's help and actually crashes on their couch for two weeks. During his whole staying there, Blair doesn't come home from college during the day. Chuck was invited to their wedding, but chose not to come, like each one of their old friends, and she doesn't want to bother with him.

Of course, because he is Chuck Bass, he gets quickly back up on his feet, but Blair isn't entirely sure he managed it in a completely legal, and moral way. She doesn't really care, though, from the moment when he isn't on her couch.

Into the first year of her marriage with Nate, they grow habits. On Sunday, they have church with his mother; every two months, they visit hers in Paris. They don't see each other often at college, him being in business major and her in art history. However, they always find the time, during lunch for a fifteen minutes talk over coffee.

Whoever gets home first in the evening have to take care of dinner, and afterward, they both do their homework or watch a movie.

They've been married for two years when they graduate. Nate wants to go into politics, on his grandfather's advice, and starts working for the mayor's office. Blair is a consultant at the Met, and throws exhibits that people come from all around the world to see.

They've got the people magazines buzzing. Young, in love, successful, it's a portrait everyone wants to break. Countless imaginative articles about Nate's infidelity or Blair's mental instability come out every month, but they don't really care, as long as they can rely on each other.

They've been married for three years, when Blair gets pregnant. At first, Nate is shocked, confused, because he thought they were being careful and because he is not sure he is ready. Blair is hurt by his reaction, it's not like it was the result of a one-night-stand. They are married, and this is what married people do. So they start fighting over little things, and accuse the other of not understanding. But soon, none of this really matter because Blair loses the baby.

She can see that Nate is truly sorry, but it doesn't decrease the pain. Afterwards, he takes great care of her, takes days off, plans weekends to the Hamptons, but Blair doesn't really care. She doesn't say anything, because he is trying really hard, and she doesn't want to hurt his feelings.

They've been married for four years when Serena comes back to New York. She insists of having them over at her new apartment on the Fifth. They go, expecting to see a whole bunch of people they don't know, and don't care about, but it's just them. Serena didn't want to see anyone else but them.

She has, as per usual, great stories about all of the places she's been to, and Nate listens very religiously. Blair doesn't like the little spark he has in his eyes, when he looks at her.

Soon it's like high school all over again. Blair did not imagine fighting about Serena, at twenty four years old, but she can't help it. Nate calls her immature, excuses himself right after, and takes her in his arms, tells her she has nothing to worry about.

She wants to believe him, so she does. Serena becomes a regular part of their lives. They go out to dinner with her and her latest conquest, and sometimes she drops by their place with a bottle of wine.

On the night of their fifth anniversary, Blair has everything ready for the event. She bought a new dress, got a haircut, and made a reservation to the opening of a French restaurant in the Upper West Side. Nate should appreciate, because things are getting tense at the office and he always comes home cranky. That night is no different. He steps inside the apartment, and when he sees her, holds a breath.

She can see he forgot. He apologizes several times, and takes a quick shower before putting on a clean suit. When they sit at their table, Blair eyes him carefully. She can see that he is exhausted, but he does seem glad to be there, with her. She reaches out to take his hand in hers, and he gives her a light smile, before taking back his hand to look at the menu.

He doesn't usually do this.

Blair clears her throat, and tells him she already took care of their order. Nate looks at her, thanks her and stands up, saying he has to go to the bathroom. He gets up so quickly that his chair collides with someone's knees.

Nate starts mumbling apologies and the man stands, laughing out loud.

"Nate Archibald! What has it been, six years?"

Blair doesn't recognize right away Dan Humphrey. He looks different. He is wearing a simple shirt, with a jacket, and impeccable Italian shoes. His hair is longer, she didn't even know it was naturally curly.

"Wow, Dan! How are you, man?"

Nate shakes his hand and they smile at each other. Then Dan turns to Blair and gives her a little smile, like he is happy to see her, but would have never thought he would be.

"Blair Waldorf" he says.

He takes her hand and bows to place a kiss on it. Blair is surprised, he has changed so much.

"Actually, it's Blair Archibald, now"

"Right!" Dan says "I remember not being invited to the wedding"

Blair raises a condescending eyebrow and Nate coughs awkwardly.

"Sorry, I didn't think you would…"

"Don't worry" Dan laughs "I'm glad to see you guys are doing fine. I'm here with my agent, do you want to join?"

"It's our anniversary" Blair says, looking at Nate with intent.

Nate opens his mouth, then closes it and smiles at Dan.

"Congratulations" Dan says "Well, I'll let you celebrate. I'm back in New York, so perhaps we'll bump into each other again."

He smiles at them both before going to his table, where his agent awaits him. Blair looks at Nate, who is watching Dan go.

"Didn't you have to go to the bathroom?" she asks.

"What? Oh, right. I'll be right back"

He stays in the bathroom at least ten minutes. Blair is anxious. Something is wrong, she can feel it. Their entrées and wine arrive, and Nate still isn't there. Blair tries to shut down the humiliation by looking around. Her eyes fall on Dan, sitting not very far, with a tall woman.

He said she is his agent, but Blair doesn't even know what he does for a living. She has never been interested in Dan Humphrey in high school, she certainly wasn't after. Still, just by looking at him, his style; the way he sits a little sideways on his chair, legs crossed, the way his hand wrap loosely around his glass of wine, she knows. He is a writer.

She sees Dan leaning forward and kissing the woman on the lips. She instantly feels out of place, and looks back in front of her to see that Nate is making his way toward her. He sits down with a smile.

"I'm sorry" he says "I just have this terrible headache"

"If you want, we can go home"

"No, of course not. You put a lot of effort in this, and I'm just the asshole who forgot" Nate chuckles apologetically "The least I could do is enjoy the food, with you"

Blair smiles back in appreciation. The rest of the night goes well, Nate seems relaxed. At one point, from the corner of her eyes, Blair sees Dan Humphrey stand up, and putting a hand on the woman's back, as if to urge her outside. It's the sign of a couple infatuated with each other, that wants nothing more than to find a private place to relieve their want.

She remembers when she and Nate were this way. Now spontaneous sex only happens once or twice a month, when he isn't too stressed from work and visits her for lunch at The Met. Still, Blair is grateful for those moments, when she is sitting on her desk, her skirt around the hips, and Nate between her legs, kissing her, laughing with her and making her feel so young.

Right before leaving, Dan Humphrey stops by their table and gives Nate his number, asking him to call to catch up.

When it's their turn to leave, Blair is dizzy from the wine, and the champagne, and the celebration. She's been married for five years to Nate Archibald, and it's even more perfect that she had ever dreamed it would be. She loves him, so much. And she wants him, too.

They get to the apartment, and Blair doesn't waste time before undoing his tie and pulling him to their bedrooms.

"Blair, wait" he pushes her back gently

"Wait what?"

"I have something for you"

Nate goes to take his briefcase, and takes out of it tickets. He hands them to Blair.

"Abu Dhabi?" she says, smiling "When do we leave?"

"I took next week off" Nate answers, putting his hands around her waist "And also, I was thinking that, if it isn't too early for you…we should try again, for a baby"

Blair isn't quite sure of what she heard.

"You want to have a baby?"

Nate nods "I do. I think we're ready for it, and that it would give us…direction"

The answer makes Blair's smile falter a little. She doesn't know what he means by "direction", and she isn't sure it's a good thing for their marriage. But he is smiling at her, and his eyes are sparkly. So she puts away the tickets and kisses him, with all of her heart.

When they come back from their vacation, Blair finds that Serena left a voicemail. She is inviting them for dinner, the very night of their return, and Blair is eager to go. She for once has amazing stories to share, and she can't wait to see Serena beaming in admiration for once.

Nate is another matter. As soon as they stepped on American ground, he was back to being New York Nate, stressed by his job, and his grandfather. When Blair mentions the dinner, he cringes, says he doesn't have time, that he has work to catch up on.

So Blair goes alone, with a bottle of wine, figures that a girl night would actually do her good.

When Serena opens the door, she is surprised to see Blair alone.

"Where is Nate?" she asks, as Blair gets inside.

"He was being cranky, I had to leave him behind"

"Uh oh" Serena bites her lip, and leads Blair to the living room "Well, Dan, I am afraid you are in for a lot of shoe talk tonight"

Blair's eyes stretch when she sees Dan Humphrey sitting on Serena's couch. He smiles at her.

"It's alright" he says "I happen to like shoes. Good to see you, Blair"

"Hi" she answers dryly, then turns to Serena "You didn't tell me he was invited"

"I wanted you and Nate to be surprised!" Serena shrugged.

"Mission accomplished"

Blair takes a seat on a chair, eyes suspiciously Dan looking at her.

"So, Blair, when's your next exhibit?" he asks, popping peanuts in his mouth "I really wanted to go to the Crime and Punishment one, but I was on a book tour"

"Can you believe that Dan is a best-selling author?" Serena asks, pouring them wine.

"Hardly. The next exhibit is in January. Homage to _La belle époque_" she says.

Dan nods "Very interesting"

The rest of the evening is about listening to Blair telling about her anniversary vacation. She feels good when Dan and Serena laugh at her stories, and stretch their eyes in awe, trying to imagine what she is describing. Then they start talking about their respective lives, and Blair learns that Dan is divorced to a British woman, and that his first book is currently being turned into a movie, directed by Vanessa Abrams. Blair is somehow amazed by how much he's lived, even though he is only twenty-five, like her.

At one point, they move to the dining room to eat, and Blair learns that Dan is the one who cooked dinner. She doesn't want to admit it, but she had never really liked Bolognese before that night.

At two in the morning, after three bottles of wine and a quite delicious soufflé, Blair calls the night. Dan stands up, agreeing with her.

Serena who's a little tipsy passes her arms around Dan's neck, and asks "You're not staying?"

Blair rolls her eyes in front of the behavior. It's like they are seventeen again.

Dan laughs a little "I'm not sure it'll be a good idea, I have an important meeting tomorrow" he puts his hands on her waist and kisses her on the cheek "I'll see you soon, though"

Serena hugs Blair, waves them goodnight from the door. The elevator ride is silent, and when Blair looks over at Dan, he looks back at her with a smile.

"Does your girlfriend knows where you are, tonight?" she asks, hoping it would wipe that smile off his face.

"I don't have a girlfriend" Dan frowns, but still smiles anyway.

"So you're just sleeping with your agent? Classy"

They get out of the building, and Dan holds the door open for her.

"How do you know about us?" Dan asks, waving for a cab.

"Please, you couldn't keep your hands off her, the other night"

A taxi stops in front of her, and Dan opens the door for her.

"Take it" he says "I'll catch the next one"

Blair rolls her eyes "We can share, Humphrey"

She expects him to force her to insist, but Dan simply hops in beside her. Blair gives the driver her address, and she is surprised to hear him give an Upper West Side address.

"You live in the UWS?"

"Not me, Alessandra"

"Who's Alessandra?"

"My agent"

Blair raises her eyebrows "So you couldn't stay with Serena tonight, because you had already planned to stuff your agent"

"You keep up pretty well"

Blair can't help laughing a little. She likes this Humphrey. He is funny. The taxi stops in front of her building, and Dan puts a hand on hers when she reaches inside her purse.

"I'll take care of it" he says "Go home to your husband. See you tomorrow, at brunch"

Of course he would be at brunch at Rufus and Lily's. Blair purses her lips, but thanks his chivalry anyway. She watches the cab driving away before getting into her building. Nate is sound asleep when she gets in their room, and once she is in pajamas, she nestles against his back, content of feeling him react and putting his hand over hers on his chest.

Blair is awoken a few hours later by a furious whispering. She sits up in bed, to see that it is barely morning, and that Nate isn't next to her anymore. There is light in the bathroom, so Blair gets out of bed, and walks to put her ear against the door. She is about to ask if everything is okay, when she hears him talk.

"I really can't deal with it, right now. What happened was a mistake. I am with Blair now, and we're going to try for a baby. I'm sorry"

Blair jolts away from the door as if it shocked her. She feels her breath getting stuck in her lungs, and an unpleasant tickling goes through the tip of her fingers. When she hears Nate hang up, she quickly goes back on the bed, covering herself up the head with the sheets. She feels Nate lying back next to her, and putting a hand around her waist, and she holds her breath, while the tears burn her cheek.

She knows that if she goes through his calls list, she'll see that this morning at 5:16, he had a phone conversation with Serena. It can only be her.

Blair feels like she has been dumped from a cliff. This is her life now, and nothing has ever really changed.

* * *

_So, you want to read more of it? I have to warn you, this fic is going to be my biggest drama piece. But there will still be romance. Anyway, tell me how you feel about it, and I'll see you guys in two weeks for the next chapter._

_Looooooooove you !_

_xo_


	2. Chapter 2

_Hi lovelies! Sorry for the delay about this chapter._

_I don't know if you remembered, but I told you in the first chapter that this fic was going to be something very different than my other fanfictions. Lots of drama and stuff. I just need something that really breaks any kind of canon._

_ Also, it's been a while, so if you have the time, you might want to read the first chapter again, to put your mind back into the story._

_Hope you'll like this chapter, and that you'll be with me for the next one. _

* * *

Humphrey doesn't show up at brunch. And fortunately, neither does Serena.

Blair figured she wouldn't be there, after the phone call she had with Nate that morning. Serena would have had a quite some nerve to show her face. So it's just Blair, with her husband, and Chuck. Nate is acting like everything is normal, like he's just an exemplary husband who didn't cheat on his wife, whom he's been married to for five years.

Blair tries her best to look normal, too. She smiles, compliments Rufus on the food, and shuts the memory of Nate's secret phone call down. But she doesn't even come close to convincing. She knows it, because Lily asked twice if she was okay, and Chuck keeps looking at her with a suspicious grin. When Rufus and Nate get busy talking about politics, Chuck comes to sit next to her.

"What's going on with you?" he asks.

"Nothing" Blair clears her throat "Everything is perfect"

"You never use that word, something is going on. Are you pregnant?"

"Is any of this your business?" Blair snaps at him in a whisper.

"It isn't. That's why I'm interested"

"It's just something at work, okay? I am not pregnant, and even if I were, you would be the last one to know"

Chuck puts his hands up defensively "No need to be so aggressive"

Blair gets up to go to the bathroom, trying not to think about how even Chuck noticed something was wrong, and Nate never did.

A week passes by, and Blair keeps trying. Trying to forget, trying to pretend, trying to forgive. She buries herself under unnecessary work and parties planning. She reminds herself of her mother, when her parents were still married.

This is happening all too soon, Blair thinks. They are too young, and she genuinely thought they were happy.

Nate comes home at night, kisses her on the lips, and asks what's for dinner. As usual, as he always did. He doesn't seem different now, and he never seemed different before. Blair doesn't know when he and Serena could have happened; she cannot pinpoint the moment where Nate acted different, a moment that could have seemed suspicious.

She sometimes comes to the point where she thinks that she was wrong, that she made a mistake, that she is paranoid. But then, Nate's voice from the other morning burns her memory. So then, she thinks it's her fault. Perhaps she put too much pressure on him, without even noticing. Perhaps she was being too distant, and that it is the reason he said trying for a baby would give them 'direction'.

Blair has trouble breathing when she thinks that she and Nate are going to become one of those married couples who have don't have anything more in common than their children.

She ignores all of Serena's calls and voicemails, now. And one night, at dinner, Nate confronts her about it.

"Why aren't you calling Serena back?" he asks

Blair stiffens, and points the salt casually. He passes it to her.

"How do you know I haven't called her back?" she asks, even though she knows whatever the answer is, it will hurt her.

"She told me" Nate answers, as if it was obvious.

And it is, obvious.

Blair shrugs "I've simply been too busy at work. Of course, she can't understand that because she doesn't have a job"

Nate frowns, chewing slowly on his chicken.

"Is there something I should know about?" he asks "Did you and Serena have…some sort of a fight?"

There is a still silence. Blair knows she is going to lie, and pretend, but she wants him to doubt for a second. She wants him to feel scared, and she wants him to have the guilt creep up in him. So she waits, for about five seconds, before shaking her head slightly with a smile.

"What are you talking about?" she laughs "Of course we didn't. Everything is perfect."

Nate stares some more, then nods and keeps on eating. He doesn't tell her about how she never uses that word.

One afternoon, after she leaves work, Blair stops by The Empire.

Chuck's secretary makes her wait in the hallway, giving her time to regret coming. But when she gets up to leave, the secretary comes back to tell her Chuck is ready to see her.

Blair goes into the office, and Chuck barely looks up from his papers.

"Blair, dear, to what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Nate cheated on me"

The words come out blunt, and certainly unexpected. But Blair wouldn't know how to introduce the subject anyway, and less explain why she is coming to him.

Chuck looks at her, then, and puts down his papers.

"Tell me you're here for revenge sex"

"Chuck!" Blair groans, and sits on one of his leather couches "I'm serious, right now"

"Who said I wasn't?"

Blair shakes her head. Chuck goes to his little tray, to pour her a glass of scotch, and brings it to her.

"Who's the bitch?" he asks, watching her drink.

Blair can barely let it come out "Serena" she mumbles.

Chuck laughs, and Blair can't blame him. It she wasn't the one this whole thing was happening to, she would be rolling on the floor. Figuratively, of course.

"Oh Natie" Chuck shakes his head "Could never learn from his mistakes, could he? When did this happen?"

"I don't know. I just heard him talk on the phone with her, one morning"

"Do you want me to get my P.I. look into it?"

"I don't want to know when it happened" Blair says "It won't make anything better"

"Then what do you want?" Chuck asks "If you didn't come here for scheming, or revenge sex, what do you want?"

Blair looks down to her now empty glass. She feels shameful to admit it.

"I guess I was looking for a friend. Seems like I was wrong to seek it in you"

She gets up, and goes to the door. Chuck remains sitting on the couch.

"I'm your friend, Blair" he says before she leaves "Just not that kind. When you're ready to take care of this situation, you know where to find me"

Blair doesn't call him back. She ignores how bad she wants to. It would be too easy for it to happen, because it has happened before. Nate slept with Serena, she went to Chuck. Sleeping and scheming with him would be the almost logical next step. What Blair needs is something to break the pattern. She actually prays for it, at night, when she can't sleep, and Nate is snoring next to her.

She goes back to focusing on her work. One day, she is supervising the installation of a fresco, when someone taps on her shoulder. She turns around, and rolls her eyes.

"Oh God" she says "You"

Humphrey laughs "Good to see you too, Blair"

Blair goes back to looking at the workers fixing the fresco, then turns back to Dan.

"Wait, how did you get in here? The Museum is closed, today"

"Being a best-selling author holds its advantages" Dan shrugs "I like to come when there's no one. I'm selfish like that"

Blair eyes him suspiciously, before looking back at the painting.

"Did you borrow this from the Musée d'Orsay?" Dan asks.

"Yes"

"How did you do it?" Dan asks "The eighteenth century manager is a real pain in the ass, when it comes to lending to other museums"

"I know, that's why I would really like it if you didn't disturb me while his precious painting is being settled"

Dan laughs, probably at how nervous she is, and he doesn't say another word while the fresco is being hung. But he stays there, and Blair finds it highly annoying.

When it's done, he smiles at her.

"Wanna go have lunch?" he asks.

Blair purses her lips, and accepts, only because she is really hungry. She chooses the restaurant, and Dan follows, telling her about his favorite paintings, and making suggestions for the Met. Blair answers sharply that he's not going to tell her how to do her job.

"Okay, okay" he laughs "Sorry. How's everything?"

"What everything?" Blair asks.

"I don't know. You husband for instance"

"He's fine, why does everybody keep asking?"

Dan blinks, surprised by her tone "Sorry" he says "I didn't mean to be courteous with you"

"I'm still holding it against you"

They sit at a table. Blair orders a salad, looking around, and Dan settles for a steak. It's the restaurant Nate usually has lunch at, with his colleagues, and Blair doesn't want it to seem like she might be spying on him. But she might be. The opportunity was just too tempting when Humphrey asked her to lunch. She couldn't go anywhere with Chuck without it being suspicious. But then again, going anywhere with Humphrey might be even more.

"How do you know Gaspard?" she asks, hoping that there was a long story about how he met the eighteenth century art manager of the finest French Museum.

Dan shrugs, sipping on his water "We dated briefly when he lived in London"

There's a beat. Blair is not sure she heard right.

"What?"

Dan laughs, doesn't say anything, but nods. Blair tries to regain composure.

"I don't know if I should be shocked because he's a man, or because he chose to date you" she says "But enlighten me here, Humphrey. Last time I saw you, you were sleeping with your agent, who is as I recall, a woman. Or perhaps a very good transvestite?"

Dan laughs out loud "Alessandra is a real woman" he says then.

"So…what's the story? Classic bi-curious college phase?"

"What can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic"

Blair snorts "What does it have to do with anything?"

"I don't see the gender, I see the person" Dan replies.

Blair rolls her eyes, as their food is being served.

"You are _such a writer_" she says.

"Blair?"

Blair looks up to see Nate standing, holding his briefcase and one of his co-workers by his side.

"What are you doing here?" he asks, his eyes going from her to Humphrey.

"Dan came to visit the museum, and suggested we went to lunch"

"And this one is the one you decided on?"

"He's the one who chose" Blair shrugs, hoping that Dan would follow her lead.

But he doesn't say anything. Just looks back and forth from her to Nate. Nate's hand tightens around his briefcase handle. Blair has trouble swallowing. It was a mistake coming there. Now Nate probably knows she is onto him. This isn't how her marriage should be.

"Well, I would join you, but Wilson and I have work things to discuss" Nate says, still staring at Blair "I'll see you tonight"

Blair watches him go, and dreads looking back at Dan. When she does, she sees that he put seventy dollars on the table.

"Do you wanna go someplace else?" he asks.

Blair cannot help smiling at him, nodding.

They settle for another restaurant, and Blair looks at him carefully. He seems to be completely relaxed, almost unaware of what just happened. They order the same thing as in the other restaurant.

"Aren't you going to ask me what happened over there?" she asks.

Dan holds out his hand.

"Give me your phone" he says.

Blair obliges, wary. She watches as Dan types a number and registers it.

"I'm not going to ask you anything" he says, giving her back her phone. "But if you want to talk about it, you have my number."

Blair puts back her phone in her purse numbly. She thinks of Chuck, and of how she doesn't even have his number registered. She never calls him.

During lunch, Dan tells her about his ex-wife, whom he stayed married to for only eight months before she accused him of being too gloomy. Blair laughs, because the Humphrey sitting before her is a thousand times less gloomy than the one she knew in high school. After his divorce, Dan came back to New York to work on his new novel.

They separate in front of the restaurant, and Blair feels a bit lighter than at the beginning of the day. She knows she just made a friend, and she laughs by herself when she realizes that this friend is Dan Humphrey. Before going home, she stops by a library to buy his first novel.

She is reading it when Nate comes home, late, that night. As soon as he finds her in the living room, he drops his briefcase.

"What the hell was that, today?" he asks, opening his arms wide.

Blair purses her lips "I just went to lunch with a friend"

"Since when are you friends with Dan Humphrey?"

"It's recent. Why? Are you jealous?"

"I'm not jealous" Nate says, before going to pour himself a drink "But you've barely spoken to me for the past two weeks, and I find you laughing your ass off with Humphrey at lunch"

Blair puts the book away. She stands up to face him.

"He just found me on a good day. I told you I have been swamped at work" she shrugs "I'm sorry for not…telling you about it"

Nate seems unhinged by her apology; Blair knows very well it's suspicious that she gives up the fight so easily. But she wants him to be suspicious.

"Have you heard from Serena, lately?" she asks, dusting off his jacket.

Nate frowns, and catches her wrist between his fingers, forcing her to look him in the eyes.

"What is going on?" he asks "Why are you talking about Serena, right now?"

Blair yanks her wrist away "We were talking about friends. Serena is our friend, right? Perhaps a little more than a friend, to you"

She starts walking to their bedroom, knowing she just blew it.

"Blair, come back here"

She keeps walking and Nate follows her. They're inside their bedroom when he talks again.

"I can't believe you want to have this fight again!" he says, of the verge of yelling "When are you going to get inside your head that I'm not interested in Serena? You're the one I married, for crying out loud, not Serena"

"Because she was away" Blair turns to him.

"Because you are the one, Blair" Nate walks to her, and takes her face between his hands "You've always been the one, ever since we were little."

Blair wraps a hand around his wrist, looking him in the eyes. He seems so sincere.

"Blair, I don't want to fight with you. Serena and I dated when we were freshmen in college, and it stops there. You're the one I love today, and you're the one I want to be with."

Blair doesn't move when he leans down to kiss her. She lets him press their bodies together, and gives in into his embrace. She decides it doesn't matter, that he cheated with Serena, as long as he wants to be with her. They are going to try for a baby, and pretending that she doesn't know is the only way Blair is going to be able to be happy with him.

But she cries a little, when he makes love to her, that night. Because Nate told her she is the one he loves today, but what if that changes tomorrow?

If anything happens like it has before, Nate falling out of love with her is the next obvious step. The only thing that is different right now, is this number that Blair has registered on her phone.

As soon as Nate falls asleep, Blair slips out of the bed, and take her cellphone with her. She sees on her kitchen clock that it's two in the morning, but she dials anyway.

"Hello?" Dan answers after the first ring.

"You're not sleeping?"

There's a beat, then Dan laughs into the phone.

"I didn't see what time it was. I was writing. What's up?"

Blair looks at the hallway leading to her bedroom.

"Can I come over?"

"Sure" Dan answers calmly.

He reminds her of his address and Blair is surprised he still lives at the loft. She gets dressed quietly, and Nate doesn't wake up.

She arrives in Brooklyn, and when Dan opens the door, he seems completely awake. He smiles at her, and lets her in. She goes to sit on his couch, and he brings her a cup of tea.

"My Nana used to make me chamomile tea when I had nightmares" he explains.

Blair laughs bitterly "My whole life is a nightmare"

"What's going on?"

Blair shrugs "It's like everything is a circle that I can't seem to break. I know Nate cheated on me with Serena. And I'm once again willing to overlook it, because it's the only way to stay happy."

Dan doesn't flinch at the revelation. He just looks at her, waiting for her to say more.

"I told Chuck" she says "And it was probably a mistake, because now, he has something to hold over my head. And Nate's"

"It's going to be okay, Blair" Dan sighs "You and Nate are going to be fine, if you're willing to give him another chance, and if he respects it."

"He doesn't even know that I know. He thinks I'm just being my normal insecure self when it comes to Serena."

"Then stop. Show him that he doesn't have any reasons to want another woman than you. Because I'm pretty sure that you're quite the badass, as a wife. Every Upper East Side man probably wishes they were married to you, starting with Chuck."

It makes Blair laugh. She allows herself to get flattered by his words, and his smile.

"You're too young to worry about that kind of things. Just live, Blair."

Just live. She likes the sound of this motto. Dan pushes on strand of her hair behind her ear.

"Feeling better?" he asks.

Blair nods. She settles herself more comfortably on the couch.

"Tell me a story" she says.

Dan laughs "What kind of story?"

"Tell me about your life, in London"

Dan sighs "Uh. Okay. I went first because I wanted to take a year abroad. Then I stayed because…I was scared that coming back to New York would mean going back into a circle, and being stuck in it, just like you said."

"I should have left New York too" Blair says.

Dan shakes his head.

"New York is where we belong. We all came back, eventually."

He is right. All those who left ended up coming back. She doesn't regret not leaving, and marrying Nate. She is just scared of the idea that she perhaps missed an opportunity.

"Tell me about how you turned bisexual?" she asks, biting back her smile.

Dan laughed "I told you, it's much more complicated. My relationship with Gaspard was unique. He was French, and smart, and sharp."

"He is a pretentious douchebag" Blair counters.

"Have you met me?"

She laughs at his auto-derision. She really likes this Humphrey.

"So you decided to just live, I guess"

Dan nods "Except, perhaps I shouldn't have. Gaspard turned out to be destructive, for my mental stability. It wasn't a very healthy relationship. It's like he kept holding against me that I had only been with girls, before him."

Blair studies his face. He is not laughing anymore. He seems completely lost in his dreadful thoughts. So she changes the subject, and asks him about his writing.

When the sky becomes clear blue, and Blair's eyes start to feel heavy, she decides it's time to go home.

Dan pulls her into a hug, at the door, and whispers to text him and let him know that she got home safe. In the cab, Blair closes her eyes, and she has a light smile on her face. She is going to just live, and her life will be nothing like it used to. Now, she has something she didn't, before, and she feels it will keep her from going back to square one.

She is glad she found Humphrey.

* * *

_Next chapter is coming sooner than this one came, I promise. I was just super busy with my other fics and life._

_Love, xo._


	3. Chapter 3

_Hi lovelies! I am in a funk, can't seem to get out of it. Fortunately, doesn't stop me from writing fanfictions so yay!_

_Absolutely nothing to say about this chapter, just the story continuing. Hope you're still with me on this one, and that you'll still like it._

* * *

Blair's fingers shake lightly as she takes the plastic stick and turns it over. It's a moment she has lived before, yet it is circumstantially different. The first time around, Nate wasn't there with her; the first time around, Nate wasn't either eager or expecting something particular, he was just blissfully oblivious until she broke the news to him.

Now he is in pajamas, waiting for her to tell him what she sees, sitting on the edge of the bathtub.

What Blair sees is that it's negative. She is not pregnant, and she tries to ignore the fall in her stomach, one that feels more like relief than blunt disappointment. She stares down at the stick for longer than she intends, drawing scenarios in her head on how to tell Nate.

When she finally looks up, Nate's eyes are fixed on her, analyzing her expression.

"So?" he asks

Blair presses her lips together, and shakes her head. She sees Nate's shoulder drop. He sighs, standing up, taking the stick between her hands and dropping it in the bin without even looking at it. He takes Blair in his arms.

"It's okay. We'll keep trying"

Blair nods against his chest. She closes her eyes, and lets her body relax into his embrace. It's something that he has been doing more since they started trying. Nate wraps his arms around her, at any moment, unexpected and Blair always smiles, telling herself that this is them, and they are coming back to where they used to be. Finally something backward she doesn't dread in her life.

"I have to go get ready for work" he says "Let's meet for lunch, later"

"Actually, I'm busy today for lunch"

Nate frowns, taking off his pajamas.

"Serena?" he asks

It's like a slap across the face. She wants to scream to him that she doesn't intend to eat with his one-time mistress. Instead, she just shakes her head.

"Humphrey has an art gallery he wants me to check out"

Nate gets into the shower with a grunt.

"You two should make friendship bracelets"

The water starts running. Blair watches his silhouette through the glass doors.

"Are you jealous?" she asks, leaning against the sink.

"Not even a little"

"Ouch"

Blair frowns. She can't understand how she spending so much time with another man doesn't bother him. He cares about her, he loves her; she knows he does. Not matter what might have happened. Nate's laugh echoes above the stream of water.

"You're Blair Archibald. And he is from Brooklyn"

"Perhaps I've evolved" Blair frowns "Perhaps I am no longer prejudiced against people from that particular borough"

"And perhaps the Pope will convert to Judaism"

Blair doesn't know why it annoys her so much that Nate has trouble believing that she could actually be friends with Humphrey. He was friends with Humphrey, once.

She pushes off her nightgown and underwear, and gets into the shower. Nate turns to her, his eyebrows raised.

"No" he says

"Yes" Blair replies, pressing their wet bodies together.

"I'm going to be late for work"

"I can confirm that"

Nate leaves indeed twenty minutes late to work, and Blair calls in sick. She doesn't want to bother with her evil, stuck up boss today. Besides, it's Saturday and the museum is always so crowded. She wanders around her apartment, barefoot and in a robe. Enjoying time for herself is something she hasn't done in a while. She was always with Nate, or Humphrey. She had been reluctant to find herself alone with her thoughts, but it's better now. Nate loves her, and he tells her every day.

Right as she starts to get ready to meet Humphrey, the house phone rings. Blair doesn't pick up when she see Serena's number flicker. She stands there, however, watching the phone, picturing in her head Serena on the other line. Nate's voice clicks.

"_You've reached the Archibalds, we're not in for the moment, so leave a message_"

Usually, it makes Blair smile every time she hears it. But today, she knows whose voice is going to come and Nate's voice saying their last name stings.

"Hi, B, it's S" Serena's voice sounds wary "I stopped by your office, but they told me you were sick. Your cellphone seems to be off, so I might have caught the moment when you were at the doctor. Anyway, just call me back, it's been too long. I miss you"

Blair really doesn't know what possess her to reach out and grab the phone before Serena can hang up.

"Hello?" she says, frowning at herself.

"Blair!" Serena sounds glad "Finally, I've been trying to reach you for weeks! Where have you been?"

"I've been busy at work" Blair swallows before asking "Didn't Nate tell you?"

"He did, but no amount of work ever talked you out of a martini"

It's not a surprise that Nate and Serena are still talking. Blair just hates hearing one of them acknowledging it.

"Well, not anymore. People change" her tone is drier than she intends, but she doesn't regret it.

Serena is silent on the other end for a few seconds "Well, let me take you out to lunch"

"I'm busy for lunch, today"

"Dinner? Tomorrow night?" Serena sighs. Blair is satisfied to hear her annoyance.

She takes her time to answer "Sure. Why not"

Serena seems chipper when she hangs up, telling her she's taking care of the reservation, and Blair doesn't know what she is doing. She puts down the phone violently and starts getting dressed. Before leaving the apartment she grabs a bottle of red wine.

Blair never knocks anymore when she goes to Dan's. She just opens the door, expecting to find him in the kitchen or behind his desk, writing. Sure enough, that day, he is standing in the kitchen, still in pajamas, but not alone. There is a woman with him and Blair recognizes his agent, the one she saw him with on the night of her anniversary.

They both turn to Blair. The agent seems surprised to see someone –and probably a woman –come in so freely, but Blair cannot go pass the fact that Humphrey is still wearing his pajamas.

"You're disgusting" she tells him.

Dan laughs "Alessandra, meet Blair Archibald. Blair, this is my agent, Alessandra"

Alessandra comes forward, holding out her hand.

"Blair Archibald, wow" she says "Pleased to meet you"

Blair glances down at her hand then back up with a still smile.

"Pleasure"

She sees Dan giving her a warning look. Alessandra seems taken aback by the animosity, and much more when Dan says "Alessandra was just leaving"

"Sure" she nods, picking up her purse "I'll see you tonight" she tells Dan. Then she turns to Blair and looks slightly down when she nods "Mrs. Archibald".

Blair doesn't move until she hears the door closing behind her. She takes off her coat, and puts the bottle of wine on the kitchen counter.

"Who has a booty call in the middle of the day?" she asks.

Dan laughs "We stayed up pretty late last night, actually" he glances down at his watch "And _you_ are about half an hour late"

"Thank God. Was I meant to walk in on you pounding your agent on the kitchen counter?"

Dan cringes "That's not very hygienic"

"It being hygienic is not the point" Blair rolls her eyes "It's supposed to be sexy. I still have so much to teach you"

"Sure you do"

Dan leans lift the lid of a stewing pot on the stove, and a spicy aroma gets to Blair's nostrils. She restrains herself from humming in delight.

"It's almost ready" Dan says "Decant the wine while I'll take a shower"

"Please do so"

"And don't mess with it" Dan warns her "I'll know if you did"

Blair holds up her hand "I'll be good, I promise"

Once Dan disappears in the bathroom, Blair walks carefully to the stove and lifts the lid. It is the best part of being friends with Humphrey. He cooks for her. No one other than Dorota had ever cooked for Blair. And then, there is Dan, cooking Italian, Indian, French, and a whole bunch of East Asian cuisines that Blair had never even heard of before. It becomes less and less surprising that he swings both ways, to Blair.

She stands there, watching the red mixture making bubbles that release a spicy scent each time they pop. She can see peas and meat, but she has no idea what it is supposed to be. Even so, she already is eager to taste it.

"Did you touch it?"

Blair jumps, gasping, and turning around to find Dan standing there. His hair is wet, and he is wearing a plaid shirt with a simple pair of jeans.

"You're disgusting" Blair tells him again "And no, I didn't touch it"

"Then why is the lid off?"

"I wanted to see what it was" Blair shrugs apologetically under his scolding glare "It smelled good"

Dan shakes his head. He goes to stand next to her.

"Pour us some wine, will you?" he starts stirring the mixture

"I am not your maid, Humphrey"

She moves anyway to fetch two wine glasses, and pour them drinks.

"I didn't know what we would be eating, so I took the last bottle from Chile we had" Blair hands him a glass, and sits on the counter, right next to the stove.

Dan takes a sip "It's perfect with chili con carne"

"Oh, is that what this is?" Blair peeks curiously.

Dan nods. He moves to the sink to start washing the kitchenware he's been using.

When she can bring herself to be really honest, Blair admits that she is happy Humphrey is not like he used to be anymore. Being friends with him now doesn't make Blair regret they actually were, back in high school. That kid was a real bum.

Humphrey now knows about much more than being a scholarship kid and an aspiring writer. Humphrey now is an established writer, and spends his free time watching old movies, and visiting museums, trying out new recipes and discovering new wines countries. Blair has never met someone who knows about French viticulture like he does.

She dismisses in her head the thought that perhaps, he was already this way in high school.

Dan comes back next to her to turn off the stove, stirring again the chili.

"I hear you're not supposed to stir chili" Blair tells him, just to tease a little.

"That's something Americans invented to make it look like they know anything about it"

Blair rolls her eyes "Alright, Mr. South American culture"

"Don't be jealous I know more about everything than you do"

Blair snorts into her glass "You've never had sex in a kitchen"

"I am a Humphrey. The kitchen is a sacred place that shall not be profaned"

"Did Rufus make you take an oath over the waffle-maker?"

"And then he dubbed me with a wooden spoon" Dan nods.

Blair laughs out loud. Then she tilts her head and looks at him with intent.

"I did other things with a wooden spoon, in a kitchen"

Dan cringes, shaking his head "You're the one who's disgusting"

Blair laughs again "Come on, Humphrey! Never?" she bites her lip "Not even with Gaspard?"

Dan shakes his head once more "We're not talking about Gaspard"

"You never want to talk about him" Blair finishes her glass "You know, I bet you were always the one on your knees" she whispers.

"And I bet you don't actually know what you're talking about"

Blair shoves him softly "Then tell me"

Dan doesn't reply. He takes out a spoon and dips it in the chili. Blair watches him blow on it before he takes it to her mouth.

"Here" he says "Taste it"

Blair leans down slightly to open her mouth and close it around the spoon. It's still a bit too hot, but emphasizes the spice. She leans back up with a sigh of content. Dan looks at her, then reaches to wipe a remaining trail under her lip with his thumb that he licks afterward.

Blair breath itches as he brings his hand back down.

"I guess the kitchen can be a little sexy" Dan smirks, still looking at her.

Blair feels herself blush a little.

After they eat, Dan leads her to the gallery he wants her to see. It's by the piers, and Blair keeps looking up suspiciously, waiting for birds to attack her. The owner of the gallery is a middle aged woman who claps like a teenager as soon as she sees Dan coming in. She looks at Blair with interest.

"You've replaced me, have you?" she tells Dan, shaking Blair's hand. "Got tired of my old ass"

Dan laughs "Please, I would never. Blair this is Marcella. Blair is the 17th and 18th century art manager at the Met" Dan says.

Marcella laughs out loud, throwing her head back before poking Dan with a finger.

"I see, now that you're a best-selling author, you only hang with the big people. What's next, a penthouse on 5th avenue?" she turns to Blair "Well congratulations, you're very young"

"I'm very good" Blair says.

Marcella laughs again "I don't doubt it! I'll leave you two on your date, just make yourself at home"

Blair stretches her eyes when Marcella says "date". She has no time to correct any kind of misunderstanding before Marcella has to greet someone else coming in. Blair turns to Dan.

"She is…sparkly" Blair herself doesn't even know if it's a compliment or not.

"She is" Dan says.

They start walking to the paintings.

"Did you sleep with her?" Blair asks

"What?" Dan almost shouts "Are you crazy, I've known her since I was fourteen"

"She'd like to" Blair shrugs

"Shut up, and look at this" Dan points at a painting.

They move together, Dan showing her his favorite pieces of the moment and Blair criticizing his taste half the time. Marcella walks by them once or twice, giving them a little wink each time. Some guy interrupts them to talk to Dan about his novel, and tell him how excited he is for the movie adaptation coming out. Blair has never felt so much out of her element. Watching Humphrey in his is however, a bit fascinating. He looks so naturally at ease around everyone and everything.

When they leave the gallery –after Marcella hugged them for about five minutes –Dan takes Blair to get a bagel. Blair protests, because she is not from Brooklyn for Christ's sake, and Dan gets her one anyway.

Blair nips at it, while not listening to Humphrey telling her about a photograph he's just discovered as they walk on the piers.

"I agreed to go to dinner with Serena tomorrow" she blurts out.

Dan stops talking. He looks at Blair for a while, then smiles.

"It's good" he says "It means that you are ready to move forward and forgive her"

Blair sighs, and Dan frowns.

"That is why you agreed, right?" he asks "Because whatever you're planning to do, remember that we are not in high school anymore"

"We're twenty-five, high school isn't so far behind"

"You're married, you have a job and an apartment. Believe me, high school couldn't be further. Unless you had a kid"

Blair makes a little noise. She feels Dan put a hand on her shoulder to stop her.

"You're not pregnant, are you?"

Blair pushes his hand away from her coat. He was just touching a bagel.

"I'm not" she snaps "Nate wants to have a baby but I…"

She trails off. She doesn't know what she was going to say next, anyway. She doesn't know what she wants.

"You what?" Dan asks.

Of course, he would want to know more.

"I'm not sure I'm ready" Blair says.

"So tell him"

Blair barely restrains from stomping her foot in annoyance.

"It's not that simple, Humphrey!" She throws the bagel in the water, ignoring his outraged cry "I was pregnant before, and he freaked out and then I lost the baby, and now he wants to have one but I am not sure I want to, and I shouldn't have to if I'm not sure because I'm not a fucking hen who's supposed to lay whenever farmer Archibald wants her to"

Dan blinks several times, before laughing a little.

"That's the best metaphor I've heard in years" he says

Blair doesn't want to laugh with him, but she does, a little. Dan puts a hand on her shoulder. Blair doesn't push it away this time.

"Blair, you need to talk to Nate"

"Talking is always your solution"

"Because it's often the best one" Dan shrugs.

Blair thinks about it.

"Then why don't you want to talk about Gaspard?" she asks, her voice barely audible.

But Dan hears her. His hand leaves her shoulder to go back in his coat pocket.

"It's an entirely different situation, Blair"

"How would I know? You never talk about it"

Dan sighs "Just talk to Nate, and drop this, okay?" he turns around and starts walking "Come on, let's go"

Blair watches him walk away. She can't help the disappointment creep up in her. There is a unique story somewhere there, and she has always been a bit too curious. There is a part of Humphrey's life, between the time he left to England and his return that he only lets her in when he wants to. Blair walks rapidly to catch up with him. As she links one of her arm with his and he lets her, Blair decides that she is going to get to the bottom of the whole Gaspard mystery, and crack his emotional shell open if it's the last thing she does.

* * *

_I'm gonna stop making promises about updating this fic soon and stuff, because I find Blair too hard to write. It's only from her POV and I've never worked with such a bipolar character. Anyway, I started working on the sequel to La Bohème, so yay that too. Hope I'll finish the first chapter soon._

_I don't have any ideas for oneshots, these days, but hopefully, it'll come._

_Love xo_


	4. Chapter 4

_Hi lovelies! Here is a new chapter, a bit longer than usual, but it's because lots of stuff had to happen in this one._

_There is a funny uninanimous opinion about this fic, and it's that Dan is sexy in it. And everytime someone tells me that, it makes me laugh because I really don't know how I do it. But, you know, I'm gonna keep doing it, if you guys like him so much haha._

_Enjoy the reading._

* * *

Blair stops for one moment in front of the window glass of the restaurant, and looks at Serena sitting at the bar. She is wearing a blue dress, and a pair of heels they bought together last summer. She looks young, and on top of the world. There is a cosmopolitan in front of her, and a martini for the empty spot next to her, waiting for Blair.

Blair still hasn't decided what she is going to say. She can't even picture herself saying something. It's all a mess of thoughts in her head, that are so loud that in the end it just translates in silence.

She thinks of going, leaving, not entering, but Serena turns around and spots her through the glass. She smiles and waves, so Blair enters.

"B!" Serena steps down from the bar stool to hug her "Do you know how long it's been since we've even seen each other?"

"How long?" Blair asks, genuine. Time seems to fly when one lives a lie.

"Four months. We didn't even do anything for your birthday"

Nate was away for business on Blair's birthday, and Humphrey baked her a cake.

Serena shows her to sit down and pushes the martini further to Blair's direction. Blair just stares at her.

"I've heard this place makes the best Carpaccio in the city"

"I know" Blair says "It opened the year Nate and I married. I never left, remember?"

Serena gives her one single nod, and a light smile. Blair makes a furtive mental note to bring Dan here when he's back from Chicago, and see if his Carpaccio compares.

Blair finishes her martini in a record time, and orders another one. When she's done with that one too, Serena is just starting on her second drink. Blair fiddles with the pick that used to bear the olive. Serena did most of the talking while they were drinking. She talked about finally doing something with her college degree, and looking for a job, and meeting a new man. Blair listens, because there is still something that pushes her toward Serena –probably the twenty one years they've known each other –but really what she wants to know is when Serena slept with her husband.

Once they move to the table, Serena still hasn't noticed Blair's distant attitude. Or perhaps she just ignores it. When the waiter leaves with their order, Serena rubs nervously her arm.

"What about you?" she asks "I haven't been shutting up about myself, as usual"

"There is nothing new" Blair shakes her head "Nate is good, job is good, parents are good, everything is good"

"It's a bit surprising. Blair Waldorf was never one to settle for just good"

"I realized that I can't have it all. I love my job, and I've recently made a great friend. It somehow makes up for an unfaithful husband"

Serena's smile disappears. She stares at Blair, looking so very sorry that it makes Blair sorry too.

"When?" Blair asks.

Serena shakes her head. She still doesn't talk but she still looks sorry. And she shakes her head again. Blair realizes that Serena doesn't look guilty. She is sorry.

"When?" Blair asks again.

"Blair, I didn't sleep with Nate. I am not that person anymore"

And then, she looks sincere. Blair swallows the lump in her throat. She is paranoid, it is that simple. Perhaps it was easier to focus on that rather than acknowledge that right around the time when Nate is passionate and thoughtful again, she feels further away from him than ever. It was certainly easier to think about a possible affair than about the fact that they had been trying to get pregnant for four months, and nothing had happened yet. But Blair didn't dream that phone call, she knew it.

"Then who?"

Serena reaches over the table to take Blair's hand in hers, and Blair lets her.

"Are you sure of what you're telling me?"

That is not what Blair wanted to hear. She takes her purse and stands up.

"I have to go. If you breathe one word of this to anyone, I'll make sure that you leave again, and never come back"

Outside, Blair hops in the first cab that comes across, and gives an address that she tries not to regret. She isn't surprised that Chuck is still at his office when normal people have already gone home after a long day.

He welcomes her, drops his jacket and undoes his tie, before offering her a drink. Blair refuses, because she had enough already with Serena; also because if she has to make a decision, she wants to be certain that it is what she wants, and not the devious effect of alcohol. Chuck pours himself a drink, leaning against his desk.

"Any news?" he asks.

Blair nods "I'm ready to take care of the matter. It's not Serena, I want you to find me who it is"

Chuck stares down at his drink for a moment "Are you certain? There's no going back after you find out"

"I know what I want"

"Then consider it done. Do you have a specific period you want us to look into?"

Blair thinks about it, more than she should because the answer is so obvious to her. She stands up and takes Chuck's glass to down it in one gulp.

"Around the time I got pregnant, three years ago" she answers.

Chuck simply nods. Blair hands him back his glass.

"Don't let me down"

He nods again, and calls her a cab.

When Blair gets home, Nate is sitting in front of a game with a beer. He is surprised to see her. He asks how the dinner went, and Blair lies, pretends that Serena couldn't make it in the end. She goes to change and comes back to sit next to him. He is focused on his game, and Blair just stares. The same way she did with Serena earlier that night, she stares at him.

She starts blaming herself. Nate is the most respectful person she knows. If he was once driven to unfaithfulness, it was probably her fault and no one else's.

Nate turns to her with a smile.

"Do you want to change the channel?" he asks.

Blair shakes her head "Do your thing"

"Are you alright?" he asks her, putting down his beer and focusing on her now.

It makes Blair's heart ache, how much he cares about her, and how much she can see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice.

"I think I'm going to do a fertility test" she says.

Nate frowns, and turns off the television.

"Are you sure?" he asks, and when Blair nods, he says "Okay. I'll do one too"

"It's not necessary. It's happened before. What went wrong was me"

"Hey, Blair" he gets closer to take her in his arms and rub her back "There is nothing wrong with you"

She responds to his embrace and does her best to believe him.

The next few days are a pond of emotions. There is the disappointment mixed with relief when Chuck tells her that his P.I. hasn't found anything yet. There is the tingling melancholia of finding Serena sitting in front of her office, waiting to take her to lunch. Blair accepts with a smile, and spends a better day than she would have imagined. They go shoe shopping, and Serena doesn't mention Nate once. There is the joy and satisfaction of receiving a picture Dan sends her of himself in front of a Degas in the Art Institute of Chicago.

When she gets the test results, and finds out she only has a fifteen percent chance of carrying, Blair feels acceptance. She was not expecting good news anyway. She knew.

She contemplates taking the rest of the day off, and going home to sulk, or figure out how to tell Nate. In the end, like always when she is stressed out, she goes back to the Museum.

"Manet girl!" she hears someone call just as she is about to get into her office.

Blair turns and finds the manager of the Impressionism movement walking toward her. He is a middle aged man who always calls her "Manet girl".

"Hi, Carl" Blair tries to fake a smile.

"I completely see that you're not in the mood to talk, but I am about to make you very happy"

Blair leads him into her office. He stands in front of her Wharol before turning next to her with a smile.

"I've been offered a job at the Musée d'Orsay. 18th century manager"

"That's amazing!" Blair says, genuinely happy "Congratulations!"

"Thank you sweetie" he sits in front of her "And before I leave, I was given the right to choose my replacement here" He smiles wider and points at Blair "Are you ready to see so much Monet that you'll vomit at the sight of it in ten years?"

Blair puts a hand over her heart. Apparently, she can't have everything, but what she gets is still pretty good. She can't answer with proper words, so she just gets up and hugs Carl, thanking him as many times as she finds it necessary. Somewhere, in the back of her mind, she thinks about how she can't wait to tell Humphrey, the only one who will really appreciate.

"Wait!" Blair pulls away "Wasn't Gaspard Levalois the 18th century manager at Orsay?"

Carl rolls his eyes in annoyance "That's the only blind spot in this whole affair. He was promoted"

"To which post?"

"The only one this pedant douchebag would have accepted that was recently left open"

Carl gives her a pointed look. Blair thinks, then bites her lip.

"Don't tell me he is the new director of MoMA"

Carl shrugs "You're going to see a lot more of him. Fortunately for me, I'll be across the ocean"

Blair tries to smile. She chats a little more with Carl, congratulates him once more before she gets a text from Dan. It's a picture of himself in his loft.

Without any second thought, Blair grabs her coat, and calls a car. She stops for a bottle of champagne on the way. She might as well get him drunk before breaking the news to him. Dan hugs her tight when he opens the door.

"Chicago was horrible. Every time I thought I could enjoy something, some Midwest stereotype was coming to slap me in the face."

"Chicago isn't very far behind Brooklyn"

Dan lets her go "You know that what I just said was actually intended to be an opening for you to bash Brooklyn. You're welcome"

Blair laughs. She missed him.

She has spent so much time at the loft that she doesn't even hesitate before going to take to flutes. She puts them on the bar while Dan watches her, amused.

"Are we celebrating something?"

"I have news. Lots of them. Some are worth celebrating, and some necessitate alcohol to take in"

"Okay"

He laughs when Blair gets the bottle of champagne out of her purse. While he takes care of serving them, Blair sits down and tells him about her dinner with Serena. She hesitates before telling him in a low voice that she sought Chuck's help to unravel the mystery.

Dan sighs.

"Blair, I don't mean to be…are you sure Nate cheated on you?"

"I know what I heard" Blair nods, trying not to get vexed.

Dan hands her a full flute "And what did you hear? You never told me about how you found out"

Blair lives it in a kind of flash back. She tells Dan about waking up, and hearing Nate talk in the bathroom.

"I can't deal with this right now" she repeats Nate's words just as she remembers them "What happened was a mistake. I am with Blair now, and we are going to try for a baby. I'm sorry"

Dan frowns, and nods.

"Was that all he said?" he asks.

Blair shrugs "That's all I heard. But it's enough, don't you think?"

"I'm sorry" Dan says.

Blair shakes her head, and tells him not to be. She knows it was probably her fault, and she is ready to fix it and make sure it never happens again. Besides, she can't have him be sorry for her before dropping the bomb she is holding in on him.

"I've been promoted. Impressionism" she says with a light smile.

Dan grins at her, before clicking their glasses.

"Congratulations" he kisses her on the forehead "You deserve it"

"Thank you" Blair breathes out, flattered. She thinks she is blushing a little in front of his smile.

"You're probably the youngest most successful person in the Art managing in the city"

Blair swallows "It depends how old Gaspard Levalois is"

Dan's smile fades slowly "What do you mean?"

"He is kind of the main reason why I was promoted. He was just named director of MoMA"

Dan nods slowly, then shrugs.

"Good for him" he says, finishing his glass.

Blair puts down hers, and gets down from her seat. She stands in front of Dan, and takes his hands in hers.

"Talk to me" she says "Are you mad?"

Dan's hands leave hers "I'm not. Why should I be? He is entitled to his life"

"What happened?" Blair asks, trying to catch his eyes

Dan turns away "Drop it, Blair"

"Why won't you tell me about it?" Blair goes to stand in front of it, inevitable "You always act so casual, but there is something that you refuse to let out. You can tell me about your stupid ex-wife, but you won't tell me about one ex?"

"How about you stop trying to play the therapist only to distract yourself from the mess in your life?" Dan's voice rises and it startles Blair a little "If you want, I can tell you all night about how Gaspard broke my heart. About how I gave it to him, and how he took advantage of it, of the fact that I was far from my friends and family and everything I knew, and tried to turn me into something I wasn't. I can tell about the things I would have done for him, to feel worthy of him, but it wouldn't change the fact that at the end of the day, when you go to bed, the only thing you think about is whether Nate cheated on you or not"

Dan walks to open the door of the loft and stands next to it.

"I'm done being your project, your distraction or whatever you want to make of me to not consider that perhaps you're just paranoid, that perhaps you're trying to find a flaw in your perfect marriage because you're simply not happy"

Blair stands tetanized. She doesn't think she has ever felt this hurt, this quickly in her life. She wants to tell him that he is wrong, and that she was genuinely worried about him. She doesn't tell him, because she can see that Dan somehow still thinks of her as the girl he knew in high school, the one who wouldn't do anything for him if there wasn't anything in it for herself.

So she takes her coat, takes her purse, and she goes. She doesn't want to cry, but when she leaves his building and sees that it started snowing, she does, a little.

Carl throws a party for his departure, and her promotion. Blair isn't in the mood, but Nate convinces they should go. Ever since she told him about the test results, he is bending over backwards to try to cheer her up. Blair appreciates, even though he is trying to fix the wrong problem.

She keeps waiting for Humphrey to call her, and apologize. She keeps wanting to call him and demand an apology she knows he would give her, and make everything better. Blair thinks it is just some sort of karma.

She found Humphrey when she thought she had lost Serena. Now that Serena was back in her life, and that she was becoming more and more successful, perhaps Humphrey wasn't necessary anymore.

She tries to convince herself of it, after a week or so without talking to him. She ignores how much it stings not to be able to tell him about her latest acquirement, and how lonely a Sunday visit at the Morgan feels without him.

The night of the party, Nate stands next to her, looking so very handsome and so very proud. Serena is there too, and brought Chuck as her date. The four of them spend time together, and it feels like freshman year of high school, except they don't have to sneak behind their parents to drink, or smoke a cigar.

Blair doesn't think of Dan until she sees Gaspard Levalois coming in her direction. She has only met him in flesh twice before, they have more of a business emails relationship. But she recognizes his brown hair, sharp jaw and piercing green eyes right away. He is wearing a tuxedo, and looks a little bit like James Bond, Blair can't help thinking.

"Blair" he greets her with a kiss on each cheek "_Félicitations_"

"_Merci_" she forces herself to smile "You too"

He nods simply, like she doesn't need to congratulate him, like it's by divine right that he got the job. Blair restrains to shake her head. She introduces him quickly to Nate, Chuck and Serena. Gaspard kisses Serena's hand, his eyes never leaving her face.

"Serena Van der Woodsen. Daniel Humphrey's step sister, if I am correct" he says.

Something shifts inside Blair. She just hopes no one notices the way her hand tightened around her glass. Serena's smile freezes.

"We try not to think of them this way" Nate tells Gaspard, exchanging an amused look with Chuck.

"Of course" Gaspard says.

Everyone is a bit surprised by his reaction. Chuck looks at him with interest.

"How do you know him?" he asks.

Gaspard shrugs "We met briefly in London a few years ago. I hear he has become quite the people's author"

Blair gets somehow enraged by his pretending Dan was a simple acquaintance, and a one hit author.

"He is a brilliant author" Blair says "I hear from a good source that his second novel is a masterpiece. And he is only on page forty."

Gaspard, Serena and Chuck turn curiously toward her. Nate clears his throat.

"Dan and Blair are best friends now, didn't I tell you?" he tells them "Apparently, none of us appreciated Manet '_the right way'_, quote"

"Well, speak of the devil" Chuck says, pointing behind Blair. "Although using the expression 'devil' for him…"

Blair turns swiftly around. Dan is indeed coming their way, wearing a suit. Blair feels the urge to warn him that Gaspard is there, but Dan can probably see it anyway. However, Blair wonders if he does, because he only looks at her. It's only when he arrives next to them that his eyes break away from her. He kisses Serena on the cheek, shakes Nate and Chuck's hands. Then he looks at Gaspard.

"Levalois"

"Humphrey" Gaspard answers, with a petty smile "It's been too long"

"Not nearly enough" Dan replies.

All the others seem to sense tension, because Serena says she has to get another drink and forces Chuck to come with her. Nate spots one of his colleague and starts pulling Blair with him. Blair doesn't want to go, and leave Dan alone with Gaspard, but she follows Nate anyway.

The whole time, she looks over at the two of them. Dan has his hands stuffed in his pockets, and Gaspard still has that smile on his lips. When they finally separate, Dan turns toward Blair and shows her the exit with a tilt of his head.

Blair turns to Nate "I'm going to go home. I feel rather tired"

Nate is instantly worried "Let's get our coats then"

Blair shakes her head "No, no, stay. You deserve a night out. These days, if you're not at the office, you're home with me. In fact, why don't you go get a drink with Tom here?"

She has to confirm three more times that she is sure before he lets her go. She gets her coat, and Humphrey is waiting for her outside, leaning against a street lamp.

"Blair"

She really doesn't know what pushes her to do so, but she wraps her arms around him and holds him tight before he can say anything else. It takes him a few seconds to respond.

"I'm sorry" he whispers "I shouldn't have released my frustration over you"

"I shouldn't have pressured you" she answers.

They pull apart, and Dan reaches inside his coat pocket, taking out a piece of paper.

"This fell from your bag, the other day" Dan hands it to her.

Blair takes it. It's a duplicate of the test results.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

_Because you didn't leave me enough time._

Blair shakes her head, and smiles.

"Take me somewhere else" she says.

Dan looks at her, then nods. He hails for a cab and takes them to a jazz club in the Lower West Side, where they won't meet anyone either of them knows. The light inside is dim, and intimate. She sits at a table while Dan orders them drinks.

When he sits next to her on the booth, the singer is starting on _Cry me a river_ and Blair moves closer to him.

"What did he tell you?" she asks.

Dan sighs "Loads of bullshit. _I see you've managed without me, didn't think you had it in you_"

"What an ass" Blair shakes her head.

"Yeah" Dan laughs

They both start to drink silently. They clap with the other costumers when the song ends and listen with attention the other starting. Blair mostly waits for Dan to speak again.

"He told me he still thinks of me, sometimes" Dan whispers, eventually.

There is only the bassist playing in the background to answer him, for Blair doesn't know what to. Her silence probably allows him to listen to the lyrics being sung, because he pauses, then shakes his head with another bitter laugh.

"Whatever" he shrugs.

"He doesn't deserve you" Blair says "You are kind, and so free. He hates that you are a better person without him"

Dan turns to look down to her with a smile.

"You know it's me you're talking about, right?"

He chuckles, and Blair knows it's meant to be a joke, but she doesn't laugh with him. Because in the tiniest eventuality that it isn't, she wants him to be sure.

"I know" she says.

Dan stops smiling, and she sees him swallow. Blair doesn't feel quite like herself. Probably because she's never set foot in a jazz club before, but mostly because she doesn't think Blair Archibald née Waldorf would ever want to kiss Dan Humphrey. And yet, there she is, leaning up, enjoying the way his breath itches at her movement.

When their lips are just one blink away from each other, she pauses, to wonder if she is sure. He doesn't move either. Blair is half aware of the sax solo in the background when she finally kisses him.

It's shy, at first, almost a tentative. Then Blair gets used way too quickly to how his lips feel against hers. So she grabs his hair, and pulls him harder against her, making them lean back slightly on the booth, deepening the kiss. She thinks she hears him groan when their tongues touch, but she can only focus on his hand going from her knee to her to her hip, roaming over her thigh on the way.

When he pulls away, Blair feels like she is on fire. She hasn't felt this way in ages. Young, and wild and full of confidence.

"I can't do this, Blair" Dan shakes his head and moves slightly away from her.

Blair sits up.

"I should be the one saying that" she murmurs.

Dan turns to her.

"Why aren't I saying that?" she asks him.

He stares at her a little more, before downing his drink. He takes her hand and drags her with him.

"Come on, I'll take you home" he says.

Blair follows him in silence. She doesn't want to go home, but it's probably best this way. Outside, Dan lifts his arm for a cab, and Blair stands next to him, looking down to her feet.

When a taxi pulls in front of them, Dan opens her the door. Before getting in, Blair turns to him.

"Don't make me go home" she whispers "Please"

Dan shakes his head "Don't do this, Blair. I'm begging you"

She wraps her arms around his neck to pull him down, satisfied to find he doesn't put much of a fight. She kisses him, long and slow, like she forgot she could kiss, and he kisses back. He presses her against him and sighs into her mouth.

The driver honking the horn breaks them apart.

"Get in" Dan whispers.

Blair does, abandoning all fight. Dan hops next to her.

"Where to?" the driver asks.

Blair turns to Dan. He is looking straight in front of him. He clears his throat.

"455, Water Street, Williamsburg" he says.

The car starts. Blair takes a deep breath, and weaves their fingers together. She doesn't feel quite like herself, tonight. She thinks she likes it.

* * *

_So. This happened. And so many crazy things still have to happen...this fic is going to get wild, you guys._

_Anyway, hope you'll still be with me for the next chapter._

_Love, xo._


	5. Chapter 5

_Hi lovelies!_

_So, that was long! I'm sorry for the delay, I just wanted to get done with the other fic before continuing on this one. It's so different from anything I've written before I wanted to do it right._

_Anyway, here is a new chapter, and another one after that. It's the first part of a turning point for Blair. We really get to see who she is, what she evolved into. I hope it's not too much out of character._

_And I hope you enjoy the reading._

* * *

When the daylight comes up, Dan walks Blair to the front door, hand curled around hers.

"I'll walk you downstairs" he says, looking around for his coat.

"You don't have to"

"I want to"

"No, Dan…" Blair puts a hand on his chest, fingers grazing slightly the cotton thread of his shirt.

Dan sighs, opens the door. His hand leaves hers, only to take her in his arms and press her tight against him. Blair closes her eyes, and takes in his smell. She can hear their common ragged breathing, and feel his in her neck. Shivers run through her spine and their heads turns, simultaneous, so their lips can meet for the umpteenth time ever since the previous night, in the jazz bar. Dan doesn't hesitate when he presses his tongue between her lips and Blair sighs into his mouth, getting used to the tingling.

Eventually the kiss softens, and Dan's hand goes up to cup the back of her head, his long thumb stroking the skin under her ear.

"Call me, if you need anything" he whispers.

Blair knows what he actually means is "_If something goes wrong with Nate". _Which is bound to happen. Her cellphone is off, and she didn't sleep home, last night. Nate is either worried, or enraged, or both.

She nods, and turns back, going down the stairs.

A walk of shame is not something appropriate for a married woman of the Upper East Side, and when she enters her building with her smudged make up and her ball gown at dawn, Blair fears to run into a neighbor. Or worse, Lily and Rufus who live in the penthouse. She wonders if it's visible, on her face, that she spent the night at another man's house. She wonders if people will know that she lied on another man's bed, let him kiss her, kissed him back while his hand made its way in her fancy underwear. She wonders if they'll suspect how unashamed and liberated she felt when he made her come with his fingers, lips pressed on the upper swell of her breast.

But she doesn't meet anyone, and when she presses her key into the hole and clicks her door open, another worry takes over, more consequent. It makes her a bit dizzy.

She doesn't have a small time to rest it off. Nate is standing in the foyer, already in his suit and briefcase in hand, ready to start the day. Blair puts the key back into her clutch, and they stare at each other. She cannot decipher what to expect from his expression.

"Where were you, last night?"

Blair once read that the most efficient lies are those closest to the truth, but with twisted details. Like the omission sin is more acceptable than any other one.

"I was at Dan's" she says, and swallows "I met him outside yesterday and I asked him if he could show me his book he is always bragging about; about the beginning of nude photography. I wanted to get my mind off the fertility test results, and I fell asleep in his spare room"

They did look at the book. While Dan was telling her the anecdote that comes with each photography, she kissed his neck, and his chest, and let her hand graze between his legs, taking a strange delight in the way his gasps scattered his sentences.

Nate stares some more, before taking two steps to get closer. Blair doesn't look up, eyes fixed on his shoulder.

"This cannot happen, ever again" she hears him say "Do you understand me?"

She doesn't like his tone. She doesn't like the way he seems to be giving her an order. But then, Blair realizes he still thinks she doesn't know anything about his own misstep; that she still thinks that he is the whitest lamb between the two of them. So she nods, compliant.

"I am sorry"

Nate doesn't say anything else. He just goes.

In her bath, Blair has trouble relaxing. Her entire bare skin in the water makes her wish that she had been naked in Dan's bed last night; that they had both been naked. She wonders what it would have felt like to hear him read her poetry, while pressing their hot flesh together.

It's in that bath that Blair realizes she is a cheater. If not fully physically, at least emotionally.

As per usual, as soon as she steps inside the museum, the outside world doesn't matter anymore. No Nate, no Humphrey, no one. Just her, alone with her paintings and her exhibits.

Blair has been sitting at her desk for only ten minutes when an intern, Amanda, knocks on the door.

"Mrs. Archibald, we have a problem"

Of course they do. Because asking for a smooth day at work when her life is about to turn upside down would be too much to ask.

"We couldn't get ahold of the photography of Buster Keaton in Montmartre, for the exhibit"

Blair's eyes settle dangerously on the intern, and she takes a little step back.

"The exhibit is in two weeks" Blair says "People will want to see it. Where is it?" she asks softly.

She hates yelling, at work and in general. It doesn't mean she is less pissed, and Amanda has been working here long enough to know it.

"It's at the Guggenheim, in Madrid. Apparently, they got a derogation to use it first"

Blair closes her eyes. She has had a very rocky relationship with one of the workers at the Madrid Guggenheim, and she already knows when her own exhibit will be launching, Maria Cartezar will be laughing in her tapas plate.

"How does a photography in permanent display at MoMA and needed in two weeks at the Met end up in Spain?"

It's only when Blair asks out loud, that the answer comes to her. She takes a stiff breath.

"That son of a bitch"

She takes her coat and purse with her, and leaves Amanda in her office. Blair does not take a cab. She walks in her heels all the way to MoMA, and doesn't stop when security tells her she can't go this way, and when the secretary tells her to present herself. Blair opens the door of the director's office, and slams it shut.

Gaspard, sitting at his desk, looks up from whatever he is reading.

"Give me the photograph" Blair says.

Gaspard sits back and smiles.

"It's in my museum; it's mine to give to whoever pleases me"

Blair takes a deep breath, and leans on his desk.

"It's Art, you little piece of shit" she says "It does not belong to you more than it belongs to me. However, _I _have a contract that allows me to borrow it for two months. So you're going to tell Maria Cartezar that she can suck it, and I want the photograph in my storage by next week. _D'accord?_"

"That contract can be revoked by the director of the lending museum, who now happens to be me" Gaspard leans forward too, stepping into the game "And the photograph will remain in Madrid. Unless you do something for me"

Another deep breath. Blair gives him a still smile that she expects still translates her animosity, and takes a seat. Gaspard sees her up for a deal, and he smiles even more.

"I want _the _Matisse" he says.

He doesn't need to say more for Blair to know that he is talking about the piece that was recently discovered and sold to the Art Institute of Chicago; which director's publicly loves Blair, and loathes Gaspard.

Blair snorts "There is no way Calvin is lending it to you. I don't make miracles happen"

"Then I guess you have a problem"

He still has that smug smile on his face that makes Blair's stomach turns. She knows there is more to it, because Gaspard knows what he asked her is a doomed request.

"What do you really want?"

Gaspard sits back again, his eyes narrowing on her.

"How close are you to Daniel?"

Something drops in Blair's stomach; it feels like fear, and shame.

"Why do you ask?"

"I've been trying to reach him, tell him I was coming to New York and that I would like to see him. He dodged my calls, perhaps even blocked my number. And I get the feeling that you know something"

"I know what a scumbag you are, if that's what you imply"

And he still smiles. Blair wonders how much she would regret slapping him.

"Is that what he told you about me?" Gaspard asks.

"It's what everyone thinks about you" Blair stands up "I'll get my photograph, one way or another. In the meantime, you stay away from me, from my exhibit, and from Dan Humphrey"

He doesn't say anything before she goes out the door.

Blair leaves the office late, that day. Going home to face Nate still makes her a little sick, and she wants to stay a step ahead of him. So when Chuck calls her to say he has results from the investigation, Blair can't help feeling a bit at luck.

He welcomes her into his office. For some reason, they chat before talking about anything else. They stand in front of his glass walls, and look over Manhattan at night. There is only the little stains of light outside and the lamp on his desk to allow them to see anything. Blair feels like she is in one of those modern films noir Humphrey likes so much.

She didn't call him that day, and he didn't call her either. Like nothing ever happened.

Chuck turns to her "Are you ready?"

Blair turns too, and nods. Chuck moves to his desk, takes in his hand a manila file.

"He is clean" Chuck says "We didn't find anything"

He hands her the file, and Blair doesn't take it. She shakes her head.

"I know what I heard"

"And I believe you" Chuck nods "I think he was just careful, before and after. Which means that it was probably premeditate, and that it might not have happened only once"

It's like an arrow in her heart. She swallows.

"Fine" she says "Fine. I'll confront him"

She wonders if she will indeed find the strength to stand before Nate and accuse him, and forget her own actions.

"I have another work for you. If you don't mind"

Chucks puts the file back onto his desk, and looks her in the eyes.

"I never mind" he says

"Gaspard Levalois" Blair swallows again, her throat dry "I need things on him, good enough for blackmail"

Chuck frowns.

"The guy we met last night? What's going on with him?"

"He is trying to sabotage my exhibit on _La Belle Époque_. And I won't let him"

Blair crosses her arms, feeling determined.

"I didn't know the art managing world could be so intense"

Blair turns back to the glass wall "There is a dirty side to every great thing. When your clients staying at the hotel look at your staff, all they see are employees with an impeccable presentation. They don't think about the Chinese workers in the sewing shop that are paid two dollars an hour to make the uniforms. When people come to museums, they don't think about what it took for the painting to get where it is. We are sharks, persuaded that _we_ have the right to say what it's beautiful and what isn't. And Levalois chose to mess with the wrong kind."

Chuck stays silent for a moment. Then he says "I'm on it, then"

Blair turns back to him.

"Chuck, when your P.I. looks into him, he might find out something about someone close to us. Or to me, whatever"

"Humphrey"

Blair recalls Gaspard mentioned having known Dan in London, the previous night. It feels like ages ago. A time when she wasn't a cheater, and she didn't know what Dan's skin tastes like. She nods.

"Don't use it. Ever"

Chuck nods again "I won't"

Blair smiles, and reaches out to press his hand in her, grateful.

"Thank you, for everything."

When she starts to move away, Chuck doesn't let go of her hand. He uses the grasp to pull her close to him, and looks down to her.

"If Nate really cheated on you, he doesn't deserve you" Chuck says "He doesn't deserve your love"

Blair wets nervously her lips that she bites afterward.

"I think we've gone past the point where anyone deserve anyone, a long time ago"

Chuck doesn't answer, just keeps her hand in his for a few more seconds before letting go.

Nate is not home yet, when Blair gets there. She doesn't change before going to the kitchen, and starting to cook dinner. The routine doesn't get out of her system, even though everything is not like it usually is.

She sets the table, opens a bottle of wine, and turns on the news, like always. Then she sits, and waits. She hears Nate get home and walk directly toward the dining room, and it relieves her, in some way. She also hears him turn off the television in the living room on the way, and that makes her nervous.

He looks at her, when he enters the room. Apparently, he is up for following the routine too, because he takes off his jacket and sets it on the back of his chair, like he always does, before sitting.

"How was your day?" Blair asks

Nate shrugs, and holds out his hand for her plate. She gives it to him, and he serves her the salad.

"How was yours?" he asks, passing it back to her.

"I had a minor problem. Maria Cartezar again"

Nate grunts, and starts eating.

"Didn't ask the help of your friend Dan?"

Blair starts eating too, head down "He is a writer. There is nothing he can do to help"

She is startles when Nate puts down his fork and knife stiffly on the table. He looks her dead in the eyes.

"I don't think I like you hanging out with him"

"And I don't think you have any say in the matter"

Nate's jaw clenches "I am your husband, do I need to remind you?"

"Exactly. You are my husband, not my owner. And perhaps you should have reminded yourself, before you went out and screwed someone else"

Turns out she does have the strength to confront him. Or perhaps she is just too tired to keep on pretending. Nate frowns.

"What the fuck are you talking about, Blair? Is this about Serena again?"

"I know it's not Serena, but it's definitely someone"

"You are out of your mind" Nate is yelling, suddenly.

Blair doesn't flinch.

"I did not cheat on you! I would never" he says "Now can you tell me what this is really about?"

Blair shakes her head. What she is really tired of is people telling her she is crazy, when she knows what she heard. She holds out her hand.

"Give me your phone" she says.

Nate stretches his eyes, then laughs bitterly. He reaches into the inside pocket of his jacket to take out his phone, and holds it up so she can see it.

"Blair, once you do this, there is no going back. You're not going to find anything. No calls to any mistress, no compromising texts. There is nothing. But I will know that you don't trust me, and that you perhaps never have"

"Give me the fucking phone!"

Blair doesn't want to fall for his bluff. She is done doing it. Her hand shakes like crazy when Nate puts the phone into her palm. She presses the buttons, goes to his phone call history.

"So you're telling me that I won't find anything, right?" she asks, breath short as she scrolls.

"You're insane"

"You're telling me that the morning after we got back from Abu Dhabi, where we celebrated our five years anniversary, at five fucking sixteen in the morning, you didn't receive a call that made you say and I quote _'I really can't deal with it, right now. What happened was a mistake. I am with Blair now, and we're going to try for a baby. I'm sorry'?_"

She looks up, to witness his reaction. She almost regrets the way his face falls, and his skin gets a little pale.

"Wait, Blair, don't do this" he stands up to try and snatch the phone from her.

Blair dodges, and holds up a hand to stop him, because it's already too late. She sees it, and it's an unregistered New York number. It lights something in Blair's memory, though. Nate stands next to her, and she drops his phone on the table, running to their bedroom.

"Blair, please wait, I can explain"

Blair still doesn't know what he wants to explain, but the fact that he does makes her reach her purse even faster on their bed. Blair takes out her own phone and types with trembling fingers the number she just saw on Nate's. She presses the call button, and her phone abides the basic law of modern technology that connects the number with the already known contact.

Blair drops it on the carpet, and looks down at her phone dialing Dan Humphrey. When she looks up, Nate's eyes are settled on the floor.

"No" she says "No, Nate, NO!"

Nate is about to answer something, but Dan's voice comes in between them, electronic.

"Hello? Blair?"

Blair puts both of her hands on her mouth to stop herself from screaming something –she doesn't know what –and she watches through her watery eyes Nate reach down to her phone and ending the call before turning it off.

Since she cannot stand anymore, she sits on the bed. Nate doesn't move. Blair doesn't want him to talk, but he does anyway.

"I never cheated on you" he says, but his tone is guilty "Never. It happened before you and I started again, before he left to London. We never talked again, until I saw him on the night of our anniversary"

Blair believes him, because everything is so incredibly clear now.

Dan and Nate were friends, but Dan wasn't invited to the wedding. At the restaurant, Dan gives Nate his number, and tells him they should catch up, but Nate never calls him back. Dan comes to the museum, and has lunch with Blair, and asks about how Nate is doing. Then when they bump into Nate, he is the one who suggests they change restaurant. Nate is never jealous when she becomes close to a man that isn't him, on the contrary, he keeps his distance. He does not accuse her of anything when she comes home from spending the night at the same man's place. When Blair repeats to Dan what she had heard that morning, in the bathroom, he tells her he is sorry, then he gets angry. Then when she asks him to take her to his place, Dan says "_Blair, don't do this. I'm begging you"_

Everything is clear now, and Blair feels so stupid.

"Neither of us meant it to happen. I wouldn't be able to explain it" Nate says softly "And that morning when he called me, he wanted to apologize. He told me he was happy for us, and that he was hoping we could be friends again. Then the two of you became friends, and I thought it was to get closer to me, but it seemed sincere. So I let it slide"

Blair now feels the tears drop from her eyes, onto her skirt.

"Go" she manages to say "Go away"

Nate doesn't move for a moment. Then he drops her cellphone on the bed next to her, before moving to his closet and takes a suit. Blair sits still while he goes to the bathroom, comes back out with his toothbrush and razor.

"I'll be at The Empire" he says "But only for tonight. I'm coming back tomorrow"

Blair doesn't answer. It's only when she hears the front door close that she lays on the bed, and she cries, loudly, hard sobs coming out from her chest and ripping her throat.

She falls asleep this way. When she wakes up, a soft hand is grazing her cheek. Her eyes flutter open, heavy, and she gets blinding by the bright light hitting Serena's golden hair.

"Hey, B" she whispers "Nate told me you two had a fight, and he wanted me to check on you"

Blair turns away from her, but doesn't close her eyes. She feels nauseous. Serena's hand settles on her shoulder.

"Is it about what you told me, the other night at dinner?"

Blair doesn't answer. Serena sighs.

"I'll draw you a bath"

When Blair gets out from the bathroom, a bit relaxed, Serena has cooked her breakfast. They eat together in silence.

"Can you go get me my cellphone?" Blair asks, voice hoarse.

Serena obliges. She watches Blair while she turns on her phone. Three missed calls from Dan, and one from Nate. She looks up to Serena.

"You can go. I have work to do"

Serena stares, worried and Blair doesn't even know how she manages a small smile.

"I'll be alright"

Serena nods, hugs her, and leaves.

Blair makes her phone call, and dresses herself before going to MoMA. It's the same parade as the day before, with the security and the secretary. She closes quietly the door to Gaspard's office behind her. He seems slightly annoyed to see her. Blair takes out from her purse the contract that was faxed to her, earlier.

"You'll get the Matisse in May, for two weeks. Now give me my photograph"

She puts the paper on his desk. Gaspard eyes her suspiciously, before reading the contract. Then he pulls one of his from a drawer, and signs at the bottom.

"Maria Cartezar will receive everything within the day" he says "The photograph will be at the Met in two days, at most"

Blair turns around to leave without any other words.

"You went through such lengths just to keep me away from him" she hears Gaspard say "What is he to you?"

Blair turns back.

"The two of you can rot in hell, together"

She leaves, then. When she gets in her own office, Blair takes out her cellphone, one last time. Chuck answers after the first ring.

"Andrew Tyler is not that fast" he says

"Drop it. I have someone else I want him to look into. I don't know her full name, but she was once called Emily Humphrey. When she was married"

Chuck pauses on the other end "The name is McQueen, and may I ask the motive?"

"Do you have to know?"

Chuck sighs "I don't. Consider it done"

Blair hangs up, and turns off her phone again. She looks around her office, trying to get into the peaceful state the place usually puts her in. She can't. She allows herself to admit how hurt she feels; how betrayed.

Blair Archibald is forgotten, and she feels like Blair Waldorf again. The one people don't hurt without retaliation. And Dan Humphrey is going to be the first one to go down.

* * *

_So perhaps some of you expected this turn of events, perhaps you didn't, perhaps you want to stop, perhaps you want to continue. The choice is yours, the next chapter is there waiting for you. I just want to precise that this is a Dan/Blair story. All the other romantic or whatever affairs involving one of them belong completely in the past -except for the part where Blair is married to Nate, obviously._

**_Lovelycupcake:_**_Non, tu n'étais pas à côté de la plaque, mais tu t'en étais doutée tellement vite, et tu avais été la seule -et je dis bien l'unique ultime- alors je ne voulais pas tout dévoiler! Gros bisous tout de même!_


	6. Chapter 6

_For those of you who didn't swear to never read anything from me ever again, here is the next chapter._

_Enjoy!_

* * *

True to his words, Nate comes back to their apartment, the night after their fight. He tries to talk to Blair, and he tries to explain, but she locks herself in their bedroom. The following morning, she finds him on the couch, eyes open, like he never slept.

They stay this way for exactly three days. They don't talk, they walk around each other in the apartment, avoiding, and Blair can only really breathe when she is at work. She gets busy by taking her new position in the museum, while outlining the final details of her upcoming exhibit. Her job is still what she is the best at, and Blair is determined to become even better.

Chuck doesn't call about Emily McQueen, and Blair doesn't get impatient. Dan calls, but she never answers.

Serena gets worried, and asks her what is going on. Blair cannot bring herself to tell her, to admit how stupid she was, and how hurt she felt. So she dismisses the questions every time, simply answering that everything will be alright; she has everything under control. Which worries Serena even more.

"Don't do anything you might regret" she says.

Blair doesn't think she even has room within her left for regrets.

One night, she comes home and Nate is sitting on the couch, waiting for her. Blair tries to walk away, to their room, just like she's done for the past three days and Nate halts her, taking her hand in his.

"Blair, look at me"

Blair stops, breaks herself free from his hold, and turns to him.

"What?"

It's the first word she's said to him in three days, and Nate seems a bit taken aback to hear her talk.

"The mayor is sending me to Washington for a week, tomorrow" he says "But I don't want to go, unless I know that we will talk again, when I come back"

Blair sighs. She finds his insistence tiring.

"Go" she says.

"Not until you tell me that we will get through this. That you will listen to what I have to say"

"Just go, Nate" she says "It'll give us both time to think"

Nate nods. That night, when Blair is already in bed and he gets out of the bathroom in his pajamas, he walks tentatively to the side of the bed. Blair doesn't send him away, just turns on her back. She feels him slide under the sheets.

"I'm sorry, Blair" she hears him whisper.

Blair wants to cry, then. She has wanted to cry a lot. Out of anger, and out of disappointment. Out of disgust from herself; making him believe that he is the problem while everything is about her. She is the one destroying their marriage, he is the one blaming himself, and she doesn't even stop him. She let her insecurities drive her through a sort of insanity. She was perhaps satisfied with the role of the victim, for once.

Now, the fate has turned against her, cruel and ironic. She cheated on him, and he doesn't even think her capable of such a thing. Nate blames himself for not telling her about something that happened before they got together, and Blair stays silent about what she's done. She doesn't have any other choice, though.

Because he might not know it, nor suspect it; but at this point, Nate is everything Blair has.

Serena will go away again, eventually and Chuck will always be Chuck; a fleeting excuse for a friendship, convenient association. And Blair doesn't know what she had with Dan, but she knows it wasn't real.

Nate is the only one who is there, really and who stays, always.

When he leaves the next morning, with his suitcase, he hugs her. He whispers in her ear that he loves her, and Blair wants to scream. The door closes behind him, and Blair calls in sick. She lies to her boss about having a virus that will force her to stay the week in, and makes promises that she will take care of everything she ought to from home.

By noon, since she is not in the mood to cook –she is not in the mood to do anything else but mentally punish herself –she orders lunch. The bells ring too soon for it to be her delivery, but Blair is too distracted to think about it. Her breath gets stuck in her lungs when she sees Dan standing on the threshold.

She thinks of slamming the door to his face, but she looks at him and something breaks inside of her.

Dan takes in a breath "Did you find out?" he asks.

Blair huffs.

"If you wanted to hide that you screwed my husband, coming here and ask that is really not the right method, Humphrey"

She still doesn't close the door, and hates herself for it.

"I can explain" Dan says "Let me in, please."

"Go to hell"

And still, the door remains open. Of course, it doesn't get past Dan, so he takes a shy step forward. Blair takes one backward.

"What do you want to explain, exactly?" she asks "You screwed him, and then you tried to screw me, in a petty little revenge for all the times we were mean to you in high school? What's next, getting Serena pregnant?"

Dan walks in, and closes the door behind him.

"Listen" he says "I admit, that when I came to you the first time, it was to find out if Nate had told you about the call. I never thought it was the reason why you believed he cheated on you, or I would have told you"

"And when I did tell you, what stopped you then?"

Blair tries to take an angry tone, but something inside her makes her still believe that Dan is sincere.

"I didn't know what to do, because I realized I was hoping he had cheated on you" Dan says softly. It sounds like a confession "Because if he had, I would feel less guilty about the way I started to feel about you"

Blair breaks the eye contact, looking down, and it doesn't stop the words from echoing in her ears.

"You're a liar" she says "You're a liar, and you made me cheat on my husband"

"I tried to stop you"

"You should have tried harder!" Blair yells "Tell me the truth now: was all the time we spent together strictly about Nate? Are you in love with my husband? Are you that fucked up?"

Dan shakes his head "How can you even ask that, Blair? I tried to apologize to Nate, and he didn't want to hear, I don't give a shit about him anymore" he steps closer to her "Ever since that night, when you came over to the loft and talked to me like I was your friend, you're always on my mind. All the time"

"Am I on your mind when you screw your agent?"

Blair can only answer to his words by more accusations, and she realizes there are lots of them to be thrown in his way. She can't believe she didn't see it before. She doesn't know what has changed.

Dan looks at her, serious and whispers;

"Yes"

Blair sucks in a breath "Yes, what?"

"You were on my mind, when I was with Alessandra"

Blair puts her hand over her eyes, defeated "Stop saying things like that, Humphrey. You're a liar, stop lying to me"

She feels Dan fingers curl around her wrists, and her blood freezes as he brings her hands down, forcing her to look at him.

"I'm not lying, Blair. But you are married, and I made out with your husband when I was nineteen, so I didn't think something could ever happen. I didn't think I would allow myself to let something happen"

He takes her hands in his. Blair can't look away. As much as she wants to, she can't look away.

"The coward in me was happy you made the first move in that jazz club, the other night. It was the same coward that took you home, despite of what your husband would think"

Blair doesn't move when he bends down his head, placing his lips inches above hers.

"It's the same coward that imagines I'm with you, when I'm with another woman"

"You keep lying" Blair says in a breath

"I'm not lying" Dan repeats.

She doesn't know what possesses her to let him kiss her. Blair has been in a passive state ever since he stepped into her foyer. The only moment she snaps out of it, is when Dan takes her by the waist and Blair locks her arms around his neck. It's the same feeling she's had the night she was with him, at his loft. It's fire, and confidence. It's not anger, like she would have expected, or desperation. It's something he is the only one to have ever made her feel.

When they pull away, short of breath, Dan stares at her while she debates the next step. Then she takes his hand in hers and leads him to her bedroom.

There, they kiss again, and Dan's hands roam over all the parts of her body he can reach without having to leave her mouth. He presses her closer, and Blair whimpers on his tongue when she feels him hard through the denim of his jeans.

Blair breaks free because one of them has got to take his dumb jacket off. Dan stands there, breathing heavily, while Blair peels his clothes off him, like a puppet. Then it's different from that night in the loft, because it's the middle of the day and there is no darkness to hide their lies, to hide his nakedness. She makes Dan lay on her bed, and takes the phone of the nightstand to cancel her lunch order.

She looks at him the whole time, lying naked on her conjugal bed. He looks nervous, and it makes her feel satisfied, makes her feel like she is finally in control again.

Blair starts undressing herself, then. She gets rid of her robe, then her nightgown. She sees Dan gulp at the sight of her bare breasts, the ones he touched and even kissed the other night. She sees him get harder. Then Blair pushes down her lace underwear before crawling on top of him. Dan's hands go to settle on her hips and Blair sinks herself onto him slowly.

It would be terribly unromantic, if it weren't solely for the way Dan is looking at her. She wants to tell him to stop, but she doesn't; because she doesn't think she has ever been looked at this way before. She barely feels him when she starts rolling her hips, too focused on his glare. Dan however seems to feel something, because stiff groans leave the back of his throat, and when Blair makes her movement more purposeful, just to hear again, he hisses and his eyelids fall shut.

Blair presses a hand on his chest to keep balance.

"Open your eyes" she says "Look at me"

And he does. He looks at her the same way, except this time it's merged with intense desire.

"Tell me the truth" Blair asks him.

Dan sits up, sending himself deeper into her and Blair gasps then, really feeling him. He kisses her breasts, swallowing around the peak.

"You're always on my mind" he says, his voice like a growl "When I write, when I read, when I cook. When I watch a screwball comedy movie, when I discover a painting, when I listen to jazz. You're like jazz, beautifully messy and purposely unpredictable. You're on my mind when I fuck other women, and when I masturbate after having written a shameful, ridiculous erotic paragraph"

His words combined with his mouth on her skin, and his hips thrusting himself inside of her send Blair into a hazy trance. She lets out a laugh.

"You're a psychopath"

"You made me this way" he answers, biting slightly the peak of her breast.

Blair moans.

"And you made me so much more than what I was" Dan says.

It he says anything else after, Blair doesn't hear, because she feels her climax rising, thorough and intense, until she implodes, pressing him closer to her and clenching around him. Dan groans encouragements into her neck, doesn't stop moving, guides her through her orgasm before he follows her and empties himself inside of her.

He seems spent then, and drawn out of all energy, but he doesn't let go. He doesn't pull out, or away. He stays there, with her, and Blair cannot help the way her hand strokes his curls, affectionate.

It barely occurs to her that she has just had sex with someone that isn't her husband. With Dan Humphrey from Brooklyn, who she thought she knew, then rediscovered before finding out there was even more to him.

She allows him to lie back, eventually, and even then Dan is still looking at her.

Blair rolls off him, and moves around to cover them with the sheets. She lets him rest his head on her chest and his fingertips graze her sweaty skin. They stay there, they don't talk. Blair wonders silently if she really knows him, or if, as usual, she made out an idea of him.

"Talk to me" she says "Tell me who you are"

Dan presses closer to her "I can't. You'll hate me"

"I've hated you for two years in high school. Surely you can handle it, once more"

Dan chuckles "That's the thing. I don't think I could"

"You owe it to me to risk it" Blair says, drier than she would have wanted.

But she doesn't let go of him. She hears him sigh.

"I had been living in London for a year when I published my first short story there" he says "It was in a chic literary magazine, and everyone went crazy about it. I didn't understand why, because to me, the character lacked of depth, and of maturity. I thought it was just a matter of cultural difference."

"Way to passively insult the Brits" Blair says "That's my job, usually"

Dan laughs with her "You're rubbing off on me"

He turns his head to press a kiss on her breast. Blair strokes his back.

"Go on"

"I met Gaspard at a party of a friend of mine. He was working for the Tate Museum at that time. He had read my short story, hadn't liked it. He said the character seemed too immature, and he didn't blame it on the cultural difference. He was the blunt, plain honest. I guess he saw me as a young American away from home who needed guidance into the real world, and I was too self-conscious to think otherwise. He took me to parties, introduced me to established writers. He gave me free pass to museums. I liked him because he wasn't treating me differently than anyone else, but I could see there was something about me that kept him interested"

"Cocky much?"

"Shut up"

Dan props himself up on his hand above her, and kisses her, moving between her legs. Blair tries to push him away.

"Finish the story, Humphrey"

Dan falls back onto her.

"He kissed me one night, and I was so drunk that I let him. Besides, it wasn't the first time that I had drunkenly kissed a man" Blair groaned at that "So I didn't think there would be any arm to it. That night he was different. He was smiling much more than usual, and he told me he was glad he met me. I hadn't talked to anyone in New York, not even my family in so long, that I thought perhaps I could start another life there, with him. So I let him take me home. It was a mistake"

"Why?" Blair asks, eager to know more.

"Because the next morning, he was back to being scornful and despising. But after that night, he never let me go. We didn't tell people about us; there were some rumors, but we never confirmed, nor denied. We never thought it was something to tell, not because we were two men, but because we didn't even know what we were. We saw each other for about four months, then I broke up with him."

"What happened?"

She feels Dan swallow against her chest.

"I had printed out the first draft of my novel to show it to him. He threw it in the fireplace when he was done reading it. He said there was no way he was ever going public about me if I kept writing shit like that"

Blair closes her eyes, feeling sorry for him.

"So I broke it off, and went my own way. He said I wouldn't survive in London without him, but I did. I published more short stories, graduated, then published my novel. When we bumped into each other at parties, he acted like he didn't see me. Then about two years ago, I ran into his former assistant, Emily"

Blair startles at the name.

"She was his assistant?"

Dan nods "She wanted to be a painter, and Gaspard was even harder on her than he was on me. When I met her that day, he had just fired her. I knew she had always had kind of a crush on me, so I couldn't refuse when she asked me out for a drink. Then I really got to know her, to appreciate her. I wasn't in love, but I felt comfortable enough to propose after a few months; I guess I wanted to shake off that Gaspard phase with a common hater."

Then he stops talking. None of what he said made Blair want to hate him, just like he had predicted, so she figures there is more to the story. He doesn't seem to be able to tell it, however.

Blair swallows, hard.

"Did you cheat on her with him?"

Dan props himself up again, to look at her.

"Yes" he says.

Blair doesn't think she has ever been that intuitive before.

"And she found out" Blair says.

Dan confirms with a nod.

"She cried, and hit me, and cried again. She threw me out, filed for divorce. Then I got a call from Vanessa telling me she had been proposed to adapt my novel into a movie. So I thought it was time to come back home, finally. To stop trying to be something I wasn't meant to be"

"And what would that be?" Blair asks.

"Someone free of all established social rules. I used to think New York was eating me from inside. But it's actually the only place I'm able to live in, and really see myself having a shot at happiness."

"You want to be happy?" Blair asks, lifting her hand to graze his cheek. She is mesmerized by his sudden sincerity "That's very un-writer of you"

Dan shrugs "Everyone wants to be happy. People pretending otherwise are either unaware of it, or just hypocrites"

His hands travel from her waist to her thighs, and spread her legs apart, around his hips before he slides inside of her. Blair gasps. She hadn't even noticed he was hard again. Dan moves inside of her, diligent, still looking at her and Blair lets herself go.

When they're sated, he dresses back up while Blair puts simply her robe on. They move to the kitchen. Blair sits, legs crossed, a glass of wine in her hand and she watches him cook. It's the end of the afternoon, and Blair notices for the first time the way the light hits gracefully every corner of the room.

He sits next to her at the table. Not in the opposing seat, but next to her. They feed each other from one plate, and drink from one glass. The intimacy of it all makes Blair a little high.

"I should go, before Nate comes back" Dan says as he washes the plate.

The mention of Nate isn't heavy with guilt, or awkwardness. Perhaps because they both know what this is, and they never pretended he didn't exist, anyway.

Blair shakes her head "He is out of town. He won't come home tonight"

Dan dries off his hands with a cloth.

"Can I stay?" he asks.

Blair purses her lips "I wouldn't tell you my husband wasn't coming home if I didn't want you to stay"

He blinks several times, then smiles. And Blair smiles too.

They watch a movie on the couch, until Dan yawns. He gets down in his underwear, and gets into her bed with her. Blair falls asleep with his body tangled with hers.

When she wakes up, Dan is staring at her looking confused. Blair groans.

"What?" she asks

"I want to write" Dan answers "But I don't want to leave you"

"Then go get your laptop, and come back" Blair turns in the bed, determined to fall back asleep. She feels Dan's hand on her hip.

"Really?" he asks "Are you sure?"

Blair nods "And take some clothes, too"

Dan leaves the bed without any other words. When he comes back, Blair is still in it but she is fully awake. Dan has a bag with him, and he changed.

"How long is he gone for?" Dan asks.

"A week" Blair answers.

Dan nods "And you want me here, for this whole week?"

"I do" Blair says.

She holds up her arms. Dan drops his bag to go sit on the bed next to her, to take her in his arms, and kiss her. Blair has the confirmation then, that there is no place left for regrets within her anymore.

* * *

_The next chapter is basically their whole week together, being perfect and fluffy (and smutty). And the drama is back on in the one after that. And when I say drama, I mean drama._

_Anyway, I would really like to hear what you think. To be honest, I'm a little nervous. But I still love all my reviewers and readers._

_Love, xo._


	7. Chapter 7

_Hi lovelies! This poor fic, updated every thousand years haha. I hope you guys are still there, still interested. This chapter was a lot of fun, I think it might be my best one yet._

_I'll let your read it instead of my useless rant. Enjoy :)_

* * *

In the morning, Blair finds Dan sitting at the kitchen table, reading the paper. There is coffee, orange juice and pancakes. He is still in his pajamas, and smiles calmly when she appears, as if it was his place, as if he belonged there, with her.

"You're out of coffee" he tells her when she sits with him "There is actually a Mexican brand you should taste, so I'll run by Soho before my meeting with Vanessa"

Blair doesn't answer. She simply stares while drinking her coffee. He looks so at ease that it should probably bother her, but she only finds it soothing. All she's always known from living with a man is being a wife, and a childhood friend. She usually takes care of the grocery shopping and the menu, but Dan decided naturally that it was his duty, as long as he stayed with her. It's only disturbing in principle, but it works in action, naturally. Dan is so relaxed, and so free.

"What time will you be back?" she asks

"Around noon. Do you want to eat something in particular? I can make you the Cantonese rice you like"

Blair smiles, and nods quietly. She tries not to get used to him, and not to like having him there too much. But each time Dan talks, he makes the task difficult.

He glances at his watch when he is done eating, mutters something about not wanting to be late. While he puts his dirty dishes in the sink, Blair picks up the paper he left behind. She reads something about the Mayor being in Washington, and she thinks of Nate.

For the two days Dan has been there, they haven't mentioned Nate once. It's not because they are avoiding the subject, Nate is simply not in their minds. Blair wonders why is it that she doesn't feel like she is cheating. Where is the guilt that should come with breaking a vow? Especially when she can clearly remember the time she thought she was on the other side, and how much it hurt.

Her trail of thoughts breaks when Dan takes away the paper with a smile. Blair's eyes stretch a little when he takes her by the waist, and lifts her to the kitchen counter.

"You're going to be late" she whispers, breath taken away when his lips fall onto her neck.

Dan sucks earnestly behind her ear.

"This was already part of my schedule"

Blair leans back on her hands while he pushes her pajamas pants down, along with her underwear before standing back up to unbutton her top.

"I thought you didn't like kitchen sex" she says once she is completely naked.

Dan grins "And I thought you were willing to teach me how it's done"

He leans down to kiss her right breast, while his hand covers the other one. Blair starts feeling flush very quickly, Dan seems determined to make her melt. The marble of the counter beneath her thighs starts to feel cool and hot at the same time, sticking on her skin. Dan stars kissing lower and lower, until his lips reach the little triangle between her legs. His hands part her thighs softly and Blair looks at him as he kneels on the ground, and wets the tip of two fingers with his tongue before touching her. His fingers trace the shape of her three times before he dips them in, and Blair has a dragged moan, leaning back on the counter. So much for teaching him about kitchen sex.

Dan joins his mouth to the dance, relentlessly turning her moans into breathless pants. His fingers go in and out of her with a steady, purposeful rhythm while his tongue laps over her. Blair feels flush, hot, wet. She feels her breathing getting trapped. She feels all sorts of things she can't describe before she finally explodes. Dan guides her with his fingers, keeping her up in the stars as long as possible, until he gets his fingers out, and licks her clean with his tongue.

Then he leans back up, and presses a kiss on her breast before going to the bathroom.

Blair works in the study all morning. Still, it's not Monet or Méliès that take up over her mind; she can't stop thinking of Dan. She wonders what he is doing, and when he'll be back. She keeps glancing at her watch to check the time and when it strikes noon, she is trembling with anticipation and impatience.

She misses him. It's only been four hours since they've seen each other, and yet, she misses him.

When the doorbell rings, Blair practically runs to open it. She already has a smile on her face when her hand settles on the handle.

Serena smiles at her on the threshold "You have got to start picking up my calls"

She makes her way inside, and Blair stops breathing for a second, numb.

"What are you doing here?" she asks

"Checking in on you. Nate is in Washington, Chuck says he hasn't heard from you either, and the museum told me you took the week off. I was worried"

Serena sits on the couch, and invites Blair with a wave to do the same.

"We need to talk, B"

"I have to make a phone call"

Before Serena can protest, Blair runs back to her bedroom and picks up her cell with the intention of dialing Dan, and tell him not to come back yet. She finds a text from him.

_Ran into Serena downstairs, so I pretended I was visiting my dad. Text me when she's gone._

Blair sighs in a half-relief. They are just lucky that she lives in the same building as his father. Serena is still sitting on the couch when Blair comes back.

"Listen" Blair says, trying to look the most normal she can under the lingering adrenaline "I have a lot of work to do, the exhibit is launching next week"

"But I need to talk to you, Blair" Serena insists "What's going on, why don't we see each other anymore?"

"I'm busy, Serena!" Blair yells in spite of herself. She takes a calming breath "I am under a lot of pressure right now, so I'll see you when all of this is over"

Serena stares at her, somewhat angry. Then she takes her purse and stands up, walking to the front door. Blair walks with her and mumbles a mechanic apology.

"Don't bother" Serena says before making her way out.

The door closes, and Blair puts a hand flat on her stomach. She feels nauseous. In her plan of making Dan staying here with her, she wanted to live a simple dream and take a break from life the way he is ever the only one to allow her to. She never thought of reality knocking on the door in the form of her best friend.

Everything feels almost too dangerous, now. It's not what Blair wants with Dan. With him, she just wants to feel alive again, but not in extremes. She wants serenity. And she wants it with him, for at least a week, before Nate comes back. She wonders if she is even allowed to take a shot at that. There must be a place in hell, for people like her. Selfish, childish and careless.

When Dan shows up on the doorstep, he seems uneasy.

"Perhaps I should go back to Brooklyn" he says with a low voice.

"Don't" Blair shakes her head "We'll just have to be more careful, that's all"

"I don't know. Perhaps we got carried away. I want to be with you, but I don't want to…break your marriage or ruin your life or…"

Blair takes his head in her hands to pull him down into a kiss. She presses against him forcefully, until she feels him starting to respond.

"It's my choice to make, and I want you to stay. So stay"

Dan nods. Blair pulls him by the hand and makes him lay on the bed with her. They spend the whole afternoon this way, talking and laughing. Dan uses the tip of his fingers to retrace every outline of her facial traits, and uses his lips to cover the invisible trail.

In the evening, Blair texts Chuck that she is busy, but alright. Nate never calls.

The best part of having Dan with her is probably getting to watch him write. He wears glasses. Blair smiles the first time she sees him do so, after having spent seven consecutive hours in front of his computer screen. He explains to her that his eyes get tired, and his gets migraine easily, so he has to at one point wear glasses. Blair doesn't do anything that night, except sitting on the desk next to his computer with a plate of _penne al pesto_ he taught her to prepare, and watching his little eyes squint behind the glasses. She makes him leave them on, when she drops on her knees and takes him in her mouth, the taste of him mingling with the basilisk, and her eyes never leaving his face.

The sex is probably the second best part.

They do it absolutely everywhere in the apartment. Blair is often the one to initiate, because she has needs, and he is often too lost in his mind. Sometimes, it takes her to be completely naked before him, dancing or touching herself for him to be lured out of his stories, and into her. She wonders if it's because of the art, or because of the penchant for men. She thinks of asking him about sex with men, how he did. She tries to imagine him doing to other men, the things she's done to him. She can't.

Because there are moments, like the fifth night, when it's all Dan.

They're sitting on the couch, watching _Belle de Jour, _which he picked and Blair has never seen. She isn't surprised to see a young Catherine Deneuve pop on the screen, and snorts at Dan's obsession with her. She gets annoyed by the way he shifts pleasantly on his spot when there is the flash of milky skin.

"Don't do this" she tells him.

Dan is barely distracted "Don't do what?"

"Don't be all in love with her while you're with me" Blair waves at the television.

"It's not love, it's lust"

"Well, that sure makes me feel better" Blair huffs, standing up.

Dan takes her by the wrist, and pulls her on his lap.

"Don't be jealous. You're the one I prefer to see naked"

"Prove it"

He does prove it. He gets Blair entirely naked, from head to toes and lays her on the carpet. Then he leaves her there, disappearing into the bedroom and comes back with a marker and a Polaroid. Blair watches him curiously take a picture of her.

"I've always wanted to do that, with you" he says.

It makes Blair smile, and she turns on her side, striking a pose. Dan grins and takes another picture. Blair just rolls around, smiling quietly, lets him do his thing.

"What's the marker for?" she asks.

Dan drops the camera, and takes the marker. He writes on her skin. Original quotes, or borrowed ones; Baudelaire is on her arm, Neruda curls under her breast, Tostloy around her ankle, Humphrey on her inner thigh. He takes another picture of her this way, but Blair doesn't pose. She is distracted by the prominent bulge that appeared in his pants in the process. Dan isn't unaware of it either, because as soon as the picture dried off, he throws the camera on the floor and unbuckles his pants.

Blair opens herself, welcoming him, having gotten wet from the moment the tip of the marker lead by his hands touched her skin. Dan barely gets his pants mid-thighs before plunging inside of her, rock hard. His hands find her breasts, and he makes her come twice just by moving inside of her. There is French coming out of the television. There are moments, like this night, when it's all Dan.

Afterward, he leaves Blair panting, sweating on the carpet to go grab the comforter sheet from the bed, wine from the kitchen and bring them back with him. Blair buries inside the comforter, and drinks faster than she intends to. She watches Dan and wonders how can someone who knows so well how to please her, could please another man? She thinks she has a part of the answer. When Dan makes love to her, or fucks her; when Dan is inside of her, it feels like he is inside of her mind. Perhaps he has a gift. Perhaps he can read people so well, that they have no other choice than offering themselves to him. It's an odd theory, but Blair thinks she is onto something. The only way to be sure, though, is to ask.

"Can you tell me what happened with Nate, exactly?"

Dan nods slowly, finishing his glass.

"I figured you would want to know, eventually"

"Do you mind me asking?"

Blair sort of hopes he'll say yes. Once she's asked it, she is not sure she actually wants to know.

"I think you have every right to" Dan sits up and pours more wine in both of their glasses. He settles against the couch, but he still looks uncomfortable when he stops moving. He doesn't look her in the eyes.

"It was at the end of freshman year. He had broken up with Serena, I had broken up with Vanessa and I was all packed to leave to London."

Blair props herself up, attentive, trying to put herself back into the context. At that time, she was still mourning her failed relationship with Chuck. It occurs to her how much they've all lived with and around each other, and how it seems they can never get away from one another.

"We had been drinking, popping a few pills" Dan continues "We were having a little going away party for me, but just the two of us. To be honest, I don't even remember how we got to the point of our shoulders touching on the couch. But there I was, desperate to forget Vanessa and how dating her might have ended our friendship forever, and here Nate was, feeling the exact same thing"

"So the writer in you thought it was perhaps a sign that the two of you were perfect for each other?" Blair asks, half teasing, half dubious.

Then Dan does look up at her.

"I didn't think anything" he says "Nate is the one who kissed me first"

Blair didn't expect that, but it only serves her theory about his gift right. She doesn't know what to answer, so she chugs her glass of wine, her eyes still anchored in his.

"What are you saying?" she asks, when the glass is empty "Did my husband turn you?"

Dan shakes his head, and he has a little smile.

"No, it didn't happen like that. We were talking about things we still had to discover, experiences we still had to live. I told him about drunkenly kissing a guy once, at NYU. He asked if it was something I had been thinking about doing, being with a guy, and I didn't know the answer. And then, rather out of nowhere, he kissed me"

Blair nods slowly, trying to stop herself from picturing it. She wouldn't know how to, anyway. She knows Nate's mouth, and she knows Dan's now. She knows how they move against her lips, but she wouldn't be able to imagine them moving against each other.

"Was there only one kiss?" she asks in a little voice.

Dan shrugs "I have no idea. I guess not, because I remember us kissing for a while."

Blair nods "And did you only kiss?"

She loses focus on her breathing when Dan looks her dead in the eyes.

"We stopped it before it could go further" he answers "It was weird afterwards, as one should expect. He told me he was going to bed, that I could crash on the couch, but I went home. I called him the morning after, but he didn't answer. I kept trying. When he answered, it was to tell me it wasn't his thing, that it wasn't him. I realized that all this time, rather than being worried about how what happened could affect our friendship, he was busy worrying about how it would affect him. It made it seem like I had stopped belonging in New York, and I left without looking back"

"That's a little drastic" Blair snorts, trying to lighten the mood "You do know there are nine millions people in this city, right?"

Dan doesn't answer but keeps looking at her, mysterious.

"How does it make you feel to know, now?" he asks.

The answer is that it makes her feel like no one belongs to New York anymore, they all ruined everything, and now they are trapped, trying to put back together the pieces. But she doesn't say that.

"It makes me jealous" she says instead.

Because there is a bit of truth in that too.

"Jealous of me?" Dan asks, confused.

"Jealous of him"

Blair stands up, and the sheet around her falls on the ground. She stands naked in front of him, holding out her hand.

"Jealous that he got to discover you, before I did"

"I told you, nothing happened" Dan whispers, but takes her hand.

Blair shakes her head "That's not what I mean. You two were friends. I wish we had been friends, back then. It would have made things much less complicated for me. It would have opened my eyes about the world, the way they are now with you. Perhaps you wouldn't have even wanted to leave New York. Perhaps you would have felt like you do belong. Perhaps we would have fallen in love."

She doesn't expect it when Dan pulls her in, making her fall onto his lap, kissing her feverishly. Blair straddles him on the floor, moaning when she feels him hard.

He looks her in the eyes, when he slides inside of her.

"I feel like I belong, now" he says, hands on her hips, making her move with him.

Blair throws her head back, holding onto his hair tight and feeling him lean over her breasts to kiss them.

That time, with him, Blair is more aware of her own body that she has ever been during sex; and it's because she realizes how aware _he _is of it. Blair feels it in the way his hands touch her curves –grabbing then caressing her bum, tongue flicking around the peak of her breasts slowly and mouth pressing quietly on the swells of them, hands resting religiously on her hips like he can't get enough of feeling them. It makes Blair's skin burn, it makes her alive. She feels like every part of her body he touches grows, swells up, and blooms out with a vivid heat.

She feels herself sweaty against him, wet around him and breathing in his kisses, taking in and out the same thick surrounding air. She feels the way he reacts to the noises she makes, biting on her shoulder and groaning from the back of his throat.

By feeling him, she feels herself, entranced.

The night before Nate is supposed to come back, they don't talk much. Everything that needs to be said is told through hands pressing on each other, arms around waists, and kisses on shoulders. They go to bed quietly, Blair settles against his side. Nothing feels bittersweet, or sad. Blair is just conscious of what is going to happen next. Tomorrow morning, she'll wake up and she knows the dream will be over. It's the way they set it out to be from the beginning.

Before dawn even comes, Blair feels Dan kissing her on the cheek and his hand stroking her hair. When he stops and she feels him move away, Blair forces herself to go back to sleep, to keep the feeling of the dream.

When her alarm awakes her three hours later, Dan is gone, entirely, if only for the whim of his cologne he left behind.

Since she canceled on the cleaning lady for the week, Blair takes care of everything. She replaces the wine they've been drinking, cleans the dishes they've been using and changes the sheets. She takes a long bath, and thinks of Dan. She thinks of the first night they spent together, when he opened her door to her when she thought she had no one else. She thinks of the second night, after the jazz bar, of the way they touched each other, pleasing and teasing without going all the way.

It's with this very memory in mind that she touches herself in her bath, remembering how it was the first time she had ever felt so mentally turned on, freely, without any fears, without any pressure, like there was nothing at stake.

She goes back to the Museum to work that day, willing herself to take back her territory, her real life.

Blair waits for Nate at the airport. He smiles at her, looking relieved. They go out to eat, and the whole time, Blair barely listens to him. She focuses on his face instead, the one she wished and vowed to wake up to every morning for the rest of her life. He hasn't changed a bit, she notices. And she couldn't feel more different herself.

As she gets ready to go to bed, in their bathroom, Blair looks at herself in the mirror. Is she to go lie next to him, pretending that she missed him, that she was alone all this time? Is she to live a lie, like her mother did before her, with the exception of being the one starting it?

"What do you want, Blair?" she asks out loud.

Her reflection stares back, blank and silent.

Blair goes back to the bedroom, finding Nate already in bed reading some official papers. He turns off his lamp when she lies next to him. In the darkness, he rolls on his side, and presses his front flush with her back. Blair welcomes him, because she should have no reason not to. She puts her hand over his on her stomach, and his wedding band feels cold under her palm.

"I love you, Blair" he whispers.

Blair stares at the wall. She can still smell Dan on the bed, in the room, on herself.

"I love you too" she answers softly.

Which is true. She loves him, always have, always will. But in the midst of loving him, then hating him only to love him again, Blair doesn't even know how, doesn't even know when, she also fell in love with Dan Humphrey.

* * *

_Hope you liked it, tell me in any case. I'm really excited about the next one, because there are quite a few revelations. I think you're going to like it too, if you've liked what I've done so far._

_Anyway, see you guys soon I hope, and love you! 3_


	8. Chapter 8

_Hi lovelies! I know, I'm horrible for making you guys wait so long. I just really haven't had a lot of time on my hands to write and correct._

_This chapter is a wild one, quite long and with only two Dair scenes, so I hope you won't find it boring. Also, I keep wanting to remind you guys that I said there was going to be lots of drama and stuff, and I know it musn't be easy to keep up considering I update about once a month. I hope you're still with me though. Anyway, have a good reading :)_

* * *

Being in love with Dan is like being in love with life again.

It intangibly makes everything better, perhaps even brighter, gives Blair a soulful breathing. She has never been so passionate about her work, because she wants Dan to like it. The smile that he creates on her lips lingers all day, surprise her coworkers and Nate. Being in love with Dan makes her believe in friendship again, and it makes things easier with Nate.

Being in love with Dan is like rediscovering all that she loves after having lost her memory.

She usually stops by his loft after work, it's the only place they see each other at, with the exception of The Morgan on Sundays. He is always waiting for her with a pastry, or a new book, or a new record. He kisses her hello so freely, so normally that Blair forgets each time it shouldn't be her life. He makes love to her on the kitchen counter –having gotten finally used to the idea, even liking it a bit more than her –on his couch, in his bed.

Blair closes her eyes, laughs, tries to print the feeling of him inside of her in her mind, and comes loudly, for all Brooklyn to hear.

Then she goes home to Nate, and nothing feels weird, bitter, or dangerous. She is simply happy.

Two days before the launch of her exhibit, even though she specifically put a sign on her door not to be disturbed, there is a knock at her office. She knows it's not Dan, because he has a meeting, and she isn't interested in stopping her work for anyone else. But the knocking is persistent, so she goes to open the door, ready to scream her annoyance at the intruder's face, and stops short. Nate is there with a takeout bag and two cups of coffee. She lets him in once the shock has passed.

"Nate" she smiles, surprisingly genuine "What a nice surprise"

He smiles too, puts the coffees on her desk.

"I haven't done this in a while, coming to see you at work" he says, handing her the bag "I thought it would be nice to take back the good habits"

"I'm glad you did" Blair hums the steak in the bag "I was starving, and I didn't think I'd have time to go eat. My assistant is on break and I haven't found the time to hire a replacement"

Because she spends all of her free time with Dan.

"Is everything ready for the big night?" Nate asks, taking a seat at her desk.

Blair nods "Everything is coming along really well. I think it's going to be a very unique exhibit. The director of Kelvingrove is attending the opening"

Nate chuckles, while they put away her papers and set everything ready to eat.

"Is it supposed to be a big deal?" he asks

"Not really, it's just nice" Blair shrugs "But I don't want to bother you with this on your break"

"Tell me" Nate immediately replies. He looks at her with soft eyes "One of us has the chance of having an interesting job, you should tell me more about it"

It's the kind of things that Nate has been doing recently, that rocks Blair's boat of blissfulness. He is making efforts to reconnect with her, purposely trying to show her that he's still there, that he is glad to be her husband. Only in those moments, Blair feels the guilt creep up.

She does as he asks, and tells him about the exhibit just like she would do with Serena or Chuck, meaning someone uneducated about the matter. He watches her the whole time, nodding, displaying his interest. Blair can't deny she likes it. After they are done eating, he stands up, glancing at his watch. Blair stands up to and rounds her desk, ready to escort him to the door. To her surprise, he puts his hand on her hip and turns to lock the door up.

He looks back at her, his other hand finds the other side of her waist.

"Remember what we used to do at the beginning, when I visited you here?"

Blair remembers, but before she can answer anything, he leans down to kiss her. It's the first time they've kissed ever since she found out about him and Dan. It's only when her lips are on Nate's, moving the way they would move against Dan's that she feels like a cheater, completely. She doesn't close her eyes, and pushes him slightly away.

"I can't" she says, trying to look relaxed; she even manages a smile "I have work to do"

"So do I" Nate grins at her.

He backs her up against her desk, and makes her sit on it, legs spread so he can stand between them. His head rests in the crook of her neck, his mouth and nose breathing hard on her skin.

"It's been so long, Blair" he whispers "I want you"

"But…work…" she attempts.

He leans back up for her lips, swallowing her protests. Blair has about a thousand reasons not to respond, but she can't share any of them with him. So she leans back on her desk and lets his hands graze up her stockings, under her skirt.

She doesn't go to Dan's after work that day, she pretends she has food poisoning. He is disappointed that he won't get to see her before the launching of the exhibit, and Blair can match his sentiment. He won't be coming to the party, they both know it would be a bad idea for the two of them to be in the same room as Nate, and before that she'll be so busy she'll hardly have time for anyone. But she wouldn't have known how to look him in the eyes, sitting on his couch at the loft, and smile at him and laugh with him after what happened in her office.

Nate is her husband, but Blair realizes she feels like she is cheating on Dan. How inappropriate.

The day of the launch, Blair spends it at the museum. She does what she usually does on days like this; wakes up early, puts on a comfortable outfit and gets ready to leave her apartment with the files under one arm. She gets to the kitchen to pick up coffee, finds a note on the microwave.

_You don't need me to tell you good luck. See you tonight, love, N._

Inside the microwave, he packed her breakfast –large latte, croissants and a bacon sandwich. And that sneaky bastard went back to bed afterward. Blair takes her bag, and leaves the apartment with a smile.

She has to be a bit everywhere, because several artworks are being hung at the same time and there is always a mistake or two as to the emplacement of each. Either that, or Blair sees it up, doesn't like it, and makes the workers do it all over again with a new plan she scribbled in red above the former one. She is meticulously checking that every description is the one suiting the art they are sticking next to on the walls when she gets disturbed.

"Blair, Blair, how is it going?"

Blair presses her eyes shut, slightly annoyed to hear her boss's voice. She leans up, and turns around. He is standing there with a smile –which doesn't mean he is in a good mood –and he is not alone. Gaspard is looking at her, standing next to him with a smile. It takes all of her power not to roll her eyes.

"Everything is going fine, Mr. Director"

"Good, good. You two already know each other, obviously." He puts his hand on Gaspard's back, waves the other at Blair "Did you know that I was the one to get him his first job at the Tate Museum, about six years ago?"

Six years ago, when he met Dan. Blair forces a smile.

"How nice"

"I could see there was something about him, just like I saw it in you. And look at him now, managing one of the greatest museums in the world. So when he asked if he could have a preview of the exhibit, I obviously couldn't refuse"

"Mr. Director" Blair steps forward as he steps away "I'm very busy, right now. Perhaps Mr. Levalois can come back tonight, like everybody else"

"Or perhaps you can do as you're asked" the director answers, not hiding behind any smile anymore.

He leaves, and Blair stands watching his back. She only turns when she hears Gaspard chuckle and finds him going over her the artworks list.

Blair snatches it from him "Get lost"

"You know, I had heard of your exhibits" he says, unshaken "But I never bothered to come and see, when I was in town. I should have" He gives a brief sigh "I want to take you to coffee. Take a break"

"I'm not taking coffee with you" Blair crosses her arms as if to illustrate her determination.

Gaspard steps closer, and anchors his green eyes in hers. It makes Blair uncomfortable, she feels like he is about to threaten her or blackmail her again.

"Please" he says.

Blair cannot help the frown she gets. Curiosity runs through her, and her arms unlink. Hoping she won't regret her decision, she shows him to follow her to the museum's staff room that she knows will be empty.

Once they both have a cup in front of them, Blair is glad Gaspard doesn't pretend he doesn't want to talk about Dan. She is less pleased by the question.

"Is everything better between you and Daniel?"

Being asked about her relationship with Dan doesn't usually scare Blair anymore. She keeps trying to remind herself that she _should _be scared, frightened even, considering her social and public status. But everything about Gaspard throws her off, and she gets tense at the interrogatory. For a second, she thinks he can read her mind, all of her internal conflicts as to how sleeping with Nate again makes her avoid Dan.

"What do you mean?" she asks back.

"Last time we saw each other, you wished me to rot in hell with him. What did he do? Did he write something terrible about you?"

"No" Blair says, not showing her relief "He didn't do anything that bad. I'm a pretty heated person"

Gaspard nods "I can see that. So everything is good again between the two of you?"

"Everything is fine. Why are you asking?"

"Remember when I said I had been trying to contact him, before coming to New York?"

Blair nods, interested. She can see something shifted in Gaspard. Like he is dropping his mask, and finally getting real with her. She wants to know what he wants with Dan, if it's not screw him over again.

"The night of your promotion party" Gaspard continues "I told him we should get together to talk. He refused. I need you to convince him otherwise"

"I am not a counselor" Blair rolls her eyes "And he has good reasons not to want to see you"

Gaspard smiles again, making Blair wonder if he ever takes anything seriously.

"So he did tell you what happened between us" he says "In that case, perhaps you can pass the message that I actually wish to apologize, for everything that went down all those years ago and a bit more recently"

Blair didn't expect him to say that. She stares cautiously at him, trying to figure out if he is honest or not. She gets stuck on his enigmatic grin.

"Did you have an epiphany?" she asks skeptical. "Are you trying to suddenly become a better man?"

Gaspard shrugs carelessly "Something like that. About the epiphany, not about being a better man. I'm perfectly happy the way I am"

"I bet you are"

"I want him back"

The only thing Blair feels are her lungs crisping.

"Why?"

"I wish I could say it's because no one ever loved me the way he did" Gaspard shakes his head "But the truth is, I think he is the only one who's ever loved me at all. I want that back"

It's not true, Blair knows it. It's just what Gaspard thinks, because it's what Dan does; show people a kind of love they didn't know existed, to the point of blacking out any kind that has come before. Blair pities Gaspard. Rather than feeling jealous, protective or possessive over Dan, she feels sorry for Gaspard. She knows he has hurt Dan too much for him to come back his way.

"I'll see what I can do" she says "I can try to convince him to talk to you, but the two of you aren't getting back together, you can erase that fantasy"

"Why is that?" Gaspard asks, interested.

"Because I won't let it happen" she swallows, taking in the extent of her declaration "I won't let you get the chance to destroy his life once more. But I want him to get closure, so I'll talk to him"

Gaspard's smile is back when he leaves her. Blair doesn't call Dan at all that day, to avoid having to tell him about her conversation with Gaspard. It hasn't gone past her that the relationship they had was a graver version of what she had with Chuck in high school. Blair puts herself in Dan's shoes easier then, and she is scared of what will happen if Gaspard does apologize. If there is something she got about Dan, it's that he likes the uniqueness of certain things, the way they stand out, and she knows what he had with Gaspard was the single most unique experienced he's ever lived.

So she knows it would be too easy to fall back, relapse. She knows because he is her unique experience, and if she had to do it all over again –hating him, ignoring him, discovering him, liking him, falling in love with him –she would, without a single breath of hesitation.

Everyone that is everyone is there that night, at the launch party. Everyone except Serena who is in the Bahamas, but Blair barely notices. She is always too busy to let herself get hurt by it, or to face the reality that she hasn't been a very good friend toward her lately. But it's not like Serena could hold the trophy for best friend either. Blair's judgment had been right about her; she did go away again, in the end.

The night is going well and strong when she gets a text from Dan, telling her to join him in the Degas room. Blair stops breathing. She glances at Nate talking with the Mayor, and at Gaspard talking with the Director. Dan is careless, she thinks, but she can't help the way her heart pumps in the anticipation of seeing him when she leaves discreetly.

She finds him in the darkness, leaning against a wall, surrounded by silent paintings, smiling.

"Hey" he says softly

"How did you get in here?" she asks.

"I gave a hundred to the security guard" he answers, holding out his hand for her to take it.

She does, and he pulls her against him.

"Remind me to fire him"

Dan laughs, looking down at her so fondly that she has to look away.

"You shouldn't be here" she says, putting her ear against his heart "People could see us"

"They'll assume you just went away to fix something, relax"

Dan's hands graze down her arms to take hers. He weaves their fingers together, and bows his head to lure hers up.

"I missed you" he whispers, breath on her lips.

"Wait" Blair pulls slightly away, before he can kiss her.

He doesn't wait, just presses his lips on hers. Blair allows herself to get lost in the moment for only a few seconds before stepping away. Dan leans against the wall, confused.

"What is it?"

Her heart is in her throat, pounding in a way she doesn't recall it has before. She takes one deep breath, trying to find control while glaring into his eyes.

"I slept with Nate"

Dan's eyes stretch for one second "Oh. Okay"

"You're not mad?"

She asks because she wants to be sure. Dan gives a little shrug, and he doesn't seem mad. He even laughs a little.

"He is your husband" Dan says "I don't think it would be my place to get mad. Besides, you never promised me anything and…I don't want you to do something you're not ready for"

"Like what?"

Blair knows what he means, but it's time one of them brings up the subject. Dan steps away from the wall, his hands plunging into his pockets.

"Getting divorced is never easy, Blair. Especially if you've loved him since you were a little girl, I would assume"

This word, _divorce_. Blair has been trying to avoid thinking about it for so long. She has feared it for so long. Even more now that she has a legitimate reason to think about it.

"So…you're saying you'll wait for me?" she asks, not helping wanting to test him.

"As long as it takes" Dan reaches out with one arm to pull her against him again. He kisses her fiercely to prove his point. "I'm not going anywhere"

"Even if I keep sleeping with him?" she asks, pushing again, she doesn't know why.

"Even if it means that, yes"

"How come?"

She has to know why it doesn't bother him more.

"I don't just want to be the only one in your bed, Blair" Dan says, stroking her cheek "I also want to be the only one in your heart. And I won't have one, without the other" He kisses her again, softer "Figure everything out. And when it's done, come find me. We'll start everything all over again. Together"

Blair thinks it's the first time someone has ever trusted her as much. She is afraid not to deserve it. But to thank him, she kisses him again, and again.

She stops by the bathroom before returning to the party. When she opens the door, hair fixed, lipstick back on, she doesn't expect to see Chuck waiting outside.

"Chuck" she smiles, attempting to look normal.

Then she remembers she never smiles at him. He sees something is up, she knows it.

"I was going to go" he says softly "I just wanted to congratulate you, and say goodnight"

"Oh, well. Thank you for coming"

"Also, I have the results of the investigation you asked"

Blair doesn't understand at first. Then she remembers. Emily McQueen, Dan's ex-wife that she asked Chuck to investigate when she thought Dan had slept with her husband behind her back.

Fuck.

"I don't need it anymore" Blair says, waving "I took care of everything"

Chuck stares at her. He is so onto her, she can feel his glare pierce her mind.

"Trust me, you'll want to know about this" he finally says "Stop by my office tomorrow afternoon at three"

After that, nothing feels right nor safe anymore, that night.

Blair is at The Empire at three in the afternoon, the following day and Chuck is ready to receive her. In the middle of his work day, Blair is more than surprised to find him staring at the city through the glass wall of his office, his jacket off, cigarette in one hand and the other in his pocket.

Because she wants to know what to expect, if she should brace herself, Blair examines his face, tries to find a clue. She gets distracted by what she sees. Chuck looks tired. She doesn't think she has ever seen him display such an attitude. She knows him blasé, she knows him angry, she knows him petty and manipulative.

Today, he looks tired, and oddly so, normal.

He shows Blair to sit down and has his secretary bring her a bottle of water while he finishes his cigarette. Then he sits behind his desk, as if ready to talk to a client, and pulls out from a drawer a manila file. He puts it in front of him, but doesn't open it. He doesn't look up from it to Blair either.

"I'm going to talk" he says "And I'd like you to listen"

His eyes go up, and settle on her. Blair wants to stand up and run away. She nods instead.

"You asked me to conduct an investigation on Gaspard Levalois, 'good enough for blackmail' you said and made me promise that if I were to find something strange about Humphrey, I wouldn't use it" Chuck talks quietly and intelligibly "Then you tell me to drop it, and to focus on his ex-wife instead. What I found out is that Emily McQueen used to work for Levalois, that she and Humphrey married roughly a year after he published his first novel and a few months after Levalois had fired her. A little less than a year ago, she and Humphrey divorced, after eight months of marriage. She was the one asking for it, along with a restraining order against Levalois"

Chuck pauses and seems to wait for a reaction from her. He has started the revelations like a recapitulative, like he knew he was saying something Blair was already aware of. It's not until the mention of the restraining order that his voice took a cautious tone. Blair is on her part confused, but the one thing she understands is that there is no need to try and deny it. At that moment, Blair understands that Chuck is indeed onto her, and he has been for a while. She can see he sees it too, still, he doesn't stop his tale.

"It doesn't take a genius to connect the dots" Chuck murmurs "The hypothesis gets confirmed by the rumors that seem to be running around in London about Levalois and Humphrey. The only mystery there was why _you_ would be interested in knowing all of this. Then when it's remembered that you went off the radar for a week, when Nate was in Washington and that you decide to drop the case just like that, something else becomes very obvious"

Blair still isn't talking. She doesn't think there is anything to say, really.

"You should be more careful, Blair" Chuck says after a beat "Unless you want it to blow up in your face"

"Don't do this, Chuck" Blair shakes her head "Don't…don't act like it doesn't bother you to know that I…"

She can't bring herself to say it. She can't say _I'm having an affair_, because it feels like anything but; and she can't say _I'm cheating on Nate_ because Chuck was the first one to witness her rage when she thought Nate had betrayed her this exact way.

"Don't act all supportive, or understanding, or whatever the fuck you're trying to do here to pretend you're not satisfied about it"

"I'm not" Chuck simply says

Blair is shaking "You're probably already thinking of a thousand ways to use it against me"

"I'm not, Blair" Chuck shakes his head this time.

"You never believed in me and Nate"

Chuck opens his mouth, and then closes it. Then he speaks.

"I slept with Serena"

Blair's mind goes blank. She blinks, forgetting all about cheating, and affairs, and unexplained restraining orders because it seems like what Chuck just said was the only thing that could finish turning her world upside down. She wants to ask if she heard right, but she can't find her voice. Chuck reads her mind.

"It happened last month, a bit after I gave you the results of the investigation on Nate" he says "She stopped by the office late at night, she was already drunk from some cocktail party"

"You…" Blair swallows heavily "That's not an excuse. You weren't drunk"

Chuck looks down. Blair straightens in her chair in expectation, because Chuck is making this face; the one before he makes a confession. Blair sees him then, eighteen, wasted, standing on the edge of a roof, on the edge of his life. _I'm Chuck Bass, and nobody cares._

"I was lonely" he says.

He doesn't sound broken, or sad; just painfully realistic. Before Blair can say anything, he goes on.

"All those years, I thought I was jealous of you and Nate because I was still in love with you. What happened with Serena made me realize that I was jealous that you two had each other, and I have no one. Especially when she never talked to me again after that, and left to The Bahamas."

Putting a hand on her face, Blair remembers the day Serena stopped by her place, during that week with Dan, and said she needed to talk. Blair had gotten scared, had thrown her out. She realizes now Serena was probably the most scared of them.

"I don't know what to say" she tells Chuck, deciding to be honest.

"I don't want you to say anything" Chuck replies "I told you this because I want you to understand that it's not because you think you know someone that you actually do"

The way he looks at her indicates the conversation is back on her and Dan. He takes the manila file, and pushes it toward her.

"Before Emily McQueen asked for a divorce and a restraining order, she was admitted to the hospital. She had fallen down the stairs of her building. It resulted in the interruption of a two months pregnancy"

Blair's hand stops on the way to the file. Chuck almost looks sorry at her reaction.

"I don't know what you got yourself into, Blair" he says "But you should get out of it, before it's too late. Not for your reputation, not for your marriage with Nate. For your sake. That's what I meant, when I told you to be careful"

When Blair can move again, she takes the file with her and leaves the office without a word, rush. In the cab on the way to Brooklyn, she opens the file, just to be sure. There is indeed a medical report of a miscarriage of one Emily McQueen.

She pounds on the door of the loft until it opens. Dan smiles at first, but his traits fall when he sees her breathing heavily. Blair makes her way inside, and hears him close the door before she can gather enough courage to turn around and face him.

"Why didn't you tell me Emily was pregnant?"

Dan doesn't have any expression, and he doesn't talk for an instant. When he does, it's not to answer the question.

"You had me investigated?"

"Not you, her" Blair says "Answer me. Why didn't you tell me?"

Then he looks angry. Blair cannot tell if it's with her or with himself. Certainly a bit of both.

"Because you would have hated me, then, knowing what you went through"

"Did Gaspard hurt her? I know about the restraining order"

Blair wants to know if Chuck is right. She wants to know if she got into something that would end up being more dangerous than the break of a vow. Dan is quick to shake his head.

"No, it's not like that" he says, tense "She found us together at the apartment and she ran away and tripped in the stairs."

It doesn't seem easy for him to be reliving the memory. Blair can see he regrets, and she is sorry for that. But she also doesn't want to be in his position one day, so she asks the question that she fears the most the answer to.

"Did you know she was pregnant?"

"I didn't, I swear" Dan closes the distance between them "I wouldn't have…I wouldn't…"

He trails off, waiting for her to react. Blair believes him, and she can see he is scared, and hurt and sorry. She takes him by the shirt and pulls him closer.

"I want you to stop hiding things from me, Dan" she says.

He nods, looking a bit relieved.

"Is that all?" she asks "Do I know everything? Is there anything else you haven't told me?"

"I love you"

Blair's fingers release his shirt.

"You don't have to say that to make things better" she manages to say through her tight throat.

"I'm not. I was going to tell you, the night of the exhibit" Dan replies "But then you told me about you and Nate, and I didn't want you to think that I was trying to force your decision. But I do love you, Blair. I'm in love with you. I'm not sure what to do about it"

He looks lost, but confident at the same time. He looks sincere too. Blair had never been told that without having hoped desperately for it before.

"Just do it, then" she tells him and she kisses him, because he is in love with her.

That day, Blair decides that there is no shame in being to be happy, and that she is going to keep letting Dan making her. She doesn't want to think of the new downfall of her relationship with Serena, of Gaspard's true intentions, of Chuck knowing her secret. She doesn't want to think that one day, she'll have to make a decision. Blair just wants to finally feel what she had always wanted, and settled for a cloudy adaptation of instead: real happiness.

She is so focused on doing just that, that she doesn't notice right away when she misses her periods.

* * *

_I'm really worried that you guys find it confusing, tell me what you think, honestly. Two chapters to go! And still so many things to happen! Bear with me?_

_I'll still love you guys anyways ;)_

_xo_


	9. Chapter 9

_Hello lovelies! Since I am posting the two final chapters together, I'll extend the note at the next one. Enjoy :)_

* * *

Blair lets her naked body roll around in Dan's sheet, trying to put down the tremors running through her. It's hard to breathe, with the humidity of the end of spring settling and the aftermath of her climax. She hasn't completely gotten back down when she feels Dan's equally slick chest flush against her back. His heavy breathing blows on her neck, making her shiver. He takes her leg and pulls it up on his hip, getting an opening wide enough to enter her again.

"Oh" Blair lets escape in a gasp.

He doesn't go slow, gets into it right away, hips canting forward hard. Blair feels the heat build back up quickly, in her skin and her fingertips. It doesn't take very long for her to clench around him again, biting down his name on his forearm around her. Dan's hand presses her hip closer to his, getting in deeper before tensing behind her.

He pulls out and rolls on his back, bringing her against his side. An unusual silence for Brooklyn greets their need for rest, making it seem like time stopped for them. Out of habit, Dan moves to pull up the sheets upon them, until Blair stops him.

"I just want to feel you" she says.

She has recently developed the need to be close to Dan, all of the time. The smell of his skin becomes an addiction to her, and his low-pitched, casual, drawling Brooklyn accent is now her favorite sound. The mere thought of him lights up sparks inside her skin.

When he has rested enough, Dan pulls up his underwear and goes to sit behind his computer. Blair doesn't dress up when she leaves the bed to wrap her arms around his neck from behind. Dan laughs slightly.

"I really have to finish this chapter, Blair, or Alessandra is going to kill me. Besides, you need to go home to Nate"

Blair trails kisses on his shoulders, thoughtful.

"How come you're so comfortable, talking about him?" she asks in a whisper.

Dan starts typing away, and Blair knows he's already not listening anymore. She shakes him, asking for his attention.

"How come you don't mind talking about Nate?" she asks again.

Dan shrugs, not turning back.

"I've been where you are, right now. I told you, I know it's not easy. You don't want to hurt him, and I don't want you to hurt him. So we'll take our time"

Blair has stopped brushing her lips on his skin by now, nose simply buried in the crook of his neck.

"Would you have left Emily for Gaspard?"

Dan doesn't tense under her touch at the question, but she feels his sigh raise and fall in his shoulders.

"I guess we'll never know, now. I don't want to know, anyway"

Blair finally releases him to start dressing back up in her underwear. She is pulling her dress back on when she realizes Dan has stopped writing and is watching her. She smiles at his contemplating look. He loves her, it's so obvious. She isn't scared of that, when she thinks of Gaspard; that Dan will stop loving her. But she can see he never got any closure, especially now that she knows everything that happened.

"Gaspard came to see me last month" she says, and Dan stops smiling at her progressively "I'm sorry I didn't tell you"

"What did he want?" Dan asks, leaning forward in his chair, interested.

"He wanted me to convince you to return his calls" Blair starts to fix up her hair, more to try to hide her nervousness. "He said he wants to apologize for everything"

"Why? Is he dying, or something?"

Dan seems slightly angry and it worries Blair, the kind of rush emotions that he seems to get when it comes to Gaspard.

"He said he wants you back. He said you're the only one who's ever loved him"

Dan laughs then, chuckle shaking him. He stands up and starts dressing up too, a kiss pressed on Blair's forehead on the way.

"It's probably not the first time he's pulled that one on somebody"

Blair takes out mascara, unable to stop moving "He seemed pretty sincere. Perhaps you should agree to see him"

Dan waits arms crossed for her to turn around before asking her.

"Why should I?"

"I don't know" Blair shrugs, tired of pretending to be casual "Everyone deserves a second chance"

"It'll be his umpteenth chance"

"But his first at apologizing, right?"

Dan puts jeans on, and a pair of socks "I have dry-cleaning to pick up, you should go"

"Dan…"

"I'm not mad. But it's already seven, Nate will be home soon"

Blair picks up her watch from his bedside table, realizing he's right. She takes her purse, puts on her heels and walks around the bed to fall on his lap, preventing him from putting on his shoes. Her arms link around his neck easily, and she kisses him long and hot.

"I love you, Dan Humphrey"

Dan answers with a small kiss on her lips.

On her way home, Blair starts feeling flush again. She urges the cab driver to put the air conditioning on, and go through red lights, ready to get off the traffic. It's the only disadvantage to visiting Dan in Brooklyn; after leaving him, she has to face rush hour in a cab so her journey would be untraceable.

That day is the worst of them all. The weather is too humid, too heavy and Blair starts seeing white dots. When the cab stops in front of her building, she rushes inside after having tossed a bill toward the front seat. Nate is already home, just like Dan predicted, and Blair is grateful for it when she collapses in his arms as soon as she passes the threshold.

"Hey" Nate fans her with his paper "What's going on?"

"Thirsty" Blair manages to say.

Nate lifts her in his arms, and lays her out on the couch before bringing her a full glass of water. Blair downs it in record time.

"Did you walk all the way here from The Met?" he asks, stroking her hair.

Blair nods "There was no car available"

"You should've called Chuck, he would have gotten you a limo" Nate reprimands her with a look "Especially since you haven't been feeling well, lately"

Blair frowns, handing him back the glass.

"What do you mean? I've been fine"

"I just think you've seemed a bit more tired that's all." Nate stands up "Rest, I'll order in for tonight"

Blair remains lying on the couch, wondering if Nate is onto her. Perhaps he's noticed the change in her behavior, how she is always so alert when he touches her without warning, or when she pretends she is tired when he tries to have sex. She just thinks she ought to be more careful. It's not until she is sitting with Nate, biting into an eggroll and feeling her stomach turn over that she suspects the worst. Taking in deep breaths, Blair puts aside the plate and goes to bed with a smile. When Nate joins her, hours later, she still isn't sleeping.

In fact, she doesn't sleep all night. She counts, and recounts in her head. Then she eases herself, thinking it's impossible anyway. She only has a fifteen percent chance, which is basically nothing. Nate's snores next to her make every passing second heavier than the precedent.

When he leaves for work the following day, Blair leaves for the grocery store. She buys a whole bunch of useless stuff, along with the pregnancy test, as a tentative to be discreet and to reassure herself. But as soon as she gets home, her bags are dropped in the foyer and she runs to the bathroom.

Six minutes later, a little plus appears on the test window.

"Fuck"

It's as if it opened in her mind a gate through which a wave of causes and consequences is now flooding. She is pregnant, and she has recently started sleeping with Nate again. She didn't use protections with either of them because Nate _is _her husband, and with Dan she was always too caught in the moment and she had only fifteen percent chances, goddammit.

Blair is frozen in her bathroom for she doesn't know how long. She can't move, because as soon as she does, she'll have to be acknowledging, she'll have to be wondering, and taking responsibility. She is only aware that her entire life, the one she's built herself so far is threatened by the stick she is holding in her hand.

At that moment, the only thing she can think of doing is run away. She runs to her bedroom and opens a suitcase. She throws the test inside, along with clothes and shoes and some toilet stuff. She is acting so fast that it almost seems as though she had planned everything. In the cab, she gets a plane ticket with her smartphone; calls Nate to tell her she will be gone for a week, calls Dan to tell him she loves him and to wait for her return.

When she gets on the plane, Blair wills herself to sleep, fear pounding in her gut.

Serena comes to pick her up at the airport. There is a genuine smile on her face when Blair appears amongst the little crowd, and her arms easily part to take her in.

"It's really good to see you" she says.

Blair answers the embrace, eyes falling shut for an instant.

"It's good to see you too"

Serena helps her carry her bags, and leads her outside to a yellow convertible. It makes Blair laugh a little.

"Could you be more predictable?" she asks, getting into the front seat.

Serena closes the trunk and goes to settle behind the wheel.

"At least I have my license"

Back at her hotel room, they drop her luggage, kick off their shoes and settle on her bed with bowls of fresh tropical fruits. Blair congratulates herself on her decision to come. Serena was the only one she truly needed.

"When are you coming back to the city?"

Serena shifts uncomfortably on the bed, biting nervously in a quarter of pomegranate.

"I don't know. Not soon"

Blair swallows "Chuck told me what happened"

A peak of fear or shame –Blair can't really tell –flashes into Serena's eyes. She shakes her head, looking sorry.

"I don't know what to say, Blair" she whispers "I am so sorry"

"Don't be" Blair is quick to answer "Chuck and I broke up seven years ago, we were kids"

"I know, that's what I kept telling myself but…"

Serena trails off with a shrug, and a sigh. Blair knows it's time for her to do what she came for, and the idea makes her heart pump painfully in her chest.

"I would be the last person allowed to judge you anyway" she says "There is something I need to confess, and you're the only one I can talk about it to, right now"

"What's going on?" Serena inquires, looking relieved that the subject drifted off her and Chuck.

"Serena, before I tell you, I need to be sure…will you be there for me?"

"Of course" Serena replies without an ounce of hesitation.

It makes Blair a bit more at ease. She rehearsed the story on the plane ride, and she is ready to completely come clean. After she allows herself an encouraging breath, she tells Serena everything. She tells about Nate and Dan, about Gaspard and Emily, about Chuck, about her affair. She tells about how it started, with a comfort Dan was the only one to give her, with a connection he was the only one to apply. She attempts to explain to Serena the vivid sensation of finally living again when she is with Dan, and the guilt that threatens to consume her progressively. She tells everything, and Serena listens. Sometimes, her eyes widen in shock over some revelations, and Blair sees her breathing falter; but she listens. When Blair finally gets to the climax of the adventure, Serena shakes her head, incredulous.

"My God, B" she says softly "You're pregnant?"

Blair nods, a knot in her throat.

"Are you sure you can't know who the father is?"

"I'm sure. It happened around the time I started to sleep with Nate again" Blair looks down to her bowl of fruit "I'm doomed. I knew it would backfire, I knew I couldn't keep doing it unpunished."

Serena remains silent for an instant.

"You have options, Blair, you know" she says, her voice cautious "If you're not ready to take any decisions about…you can always…"

"I can't" Blair shakes her head "I already had a miscarriage, and I was told I only have fifteen percent chance of getting pregnant. This child is basically a fucking miracle"

"So you won't…?" Serena leaves the rest of her question to obviousness.

"I won't" Blair affirms "I can't"

"What are you going to do, then?" Serena asks, insistent "Because you have to know which one of them is the father, right? You can't lie about that"

Blair looks up, then, scared and hopeful.

"Can't I?" she asks in a whisper "If I decide to be with Nate, I can't tell him. It would destroy him"

Serena frowns "I don't know. It's just, based on the story you just told me, I thought you would be…choosing Dan"

"I never really gave it any thoughts, I realize it now" Blair answers. She doesn't think she has ever felt to shameful in her life, and she feels the tears finally crack up at the corner of her eyes "Nate and I are so good together. Dan has a complicated past, a complicated present even. I don't know if he's really over Gaspard, and I can't ask him because I know he'd rather lie to himself about that. I don't know that he won't get tired of loving me, someday. He's an artist, he works on instinct. I can't raise a child with so many blind spots"

"Then ask him" Serena sits up, determined "Fight to find the right decision to take, Blair!"

"I'm scared" Blair shrugs, crying for real now "I feel like I'm about to gamble my life"

Serena shifts closer to bed, and takes her in her arms, soothing her. Blair holds back tight, chest lighter when Serena whispers she will be coming back to New York with her.

"We'll figure it out, B."

Blair can only hope they will. The rest of the week is spent in quiet, on the side of the ocean. Serena doesn't mention the dilemma and doesn't ask questions about Dan either. But sometimes, Blair catches her staring, as if trying to make sure she is still seeing the same person. That is what Blair quietly wonders, anyway. Every night before she falls asleep, she thinks of Dan, even when she tries not to.

Back in New York at the end of the week, Blair enters her apartment with a sigh. She still hasn't taken her decision, but she knows the moment her eyes set on Nate, there won't even be a debate anymore. Life with Nate is the safest situation she has ever known, and she would be a fool to throw it away.

On the way to her bedroom, she spots him sitting in the living room. The television is turned off, and he is staring out the windows. Blair puts down her bags by the door, and enters.

"I'm home" she says brightly "Serena is back too. Why aren't you at work?"

He isn't even dressed in work clothes, Blair notices.

"Did you take the day off?"

Nate turns to her, and stares for a moment. Then he nods.

"Yeah. I did" he says

"Are you not feeling well?" Blair asks.

The way he looks at her makes an alert burn her guts.

"I was waiting for you to come back, actually" Nate stands up, but doesn't approach her, and Blair doesn't dare step up either "At first, I was going to leave without waiting for you"

He nods toward her, and Blair turns around to see a suitcase and a traveling bag. She turns back swiftly, only slightly confused, and extremely scared. Nate looks angry now, a kind of anger that he seems to have fed for days.

"But then I decided you owed me an explanation" he says.

From his back pocket, he pulls out Polaroid pictures that he drops on the coffee table. Blair is too far to see them distinctly, but close enough to recognize the nude shots Dan took of her while he was staying with her. Blair doesn't even have time –or the capacity– to think before Nate speaks again.

"So, I'm waiting, Blair" Nate says "Explain to me why there are nude pictures of you laying on the very carpet I'm standing on, when I don't recall having taken such shots. We don't even own a Polaroid"

"I don't…"

Blair cuts off her own attempt to talk, since there is clearly nothing to say. No lie could ever work, no apology could ever redeem.

"Who is it?" Nate asks.

Blair shakes her head, doesn't to reveal. Nate laughs bitterly.

"Come on, Blair, I already know you cheated, I deserve at least to know who was fucking you all this time I was trying to make things work between us, don't you think?"

"You won't understand if I tell you" Blair says, really looking at him this time.

"You mean I won't understand that when you played upset that I hadn't been honest with you, you were actually upset that I had gotten with your boyfriend before you did?"

Blair swallows, doesn't answer.

"How dumb do you actually think I am, Blair?" Nate asks.

"I don't think that" Blair shakes her head "You're not letting me tell you the whole story"

"There is no whole story" Nate moves, walking past her to take his suitcase and his bag that he throws over his shoulder "There is only the fact that you cheated, that you betrayed me and that I would have never thought you capable of it. I thought you loved me"

"I do!" Blair follows him as he goes "I do love you, if you would just _listen to me_!"

But Nate doesn't listen. He opens the front door and leaves the apartment. Blair still follows, up until he stops in front of the elevator.

"You can't leave me. You can't do this to me"

"Watch me" Nate presses the call button hard.

"I was ready to forgive you" Blair says "When I thought you had cheated on me, I was ready to forgive you"

"I guess you're a bigger person, then" Nate laughs "Or dumber, I don't know"

"I'm pregnant"

The elevator opens, and Nate turns to her, glare glassy. She can see he is barely holding himself together. He doesn't talk, just looks at her for a moment. Then he asks;

"Whose is it?"

Blair thought telling him about her pregnancy was her last card, what would make her swim or sink. Now that he is asking this particular question, the one she was determined to ignore, she realizes she's been sinking the whole time. Before her lack of answer, Nate presses his eyes shut, like she just punched him.

"Fuck, Blair" he whispers.

He gets into the elevator, wiping his face to attempt hiding the tear rolling down there.

"I'll call you tomorrow" he says "We'll do a test. If it's mine, I'll take responsibility for everything I ought to. If it's not, I don't want to see you ever again"

Blair takes a quick, panicking breath.

"Nate, please…"

Her plea is cut by the elevator closing between them.

Blair is trembling when she gets back to the apartment. What she really wants to do is go to Brooklyn, and ask Dan why he would send the pictures to Nate, when he promised he was going to give her time. She wants to tell him she hates him, and that he ruined her entire life. She wants to hit him until his face is purple, and she can't feel her fingers anymore. She does none of this. She cries in her foyer, and she cries in the living room. She cries on her bed, cries herself to sleep.

Nate doesn't call her the following day, but texts a time and the address of a clinic. Blair rushes to it, hoping to get him to listen to her explanations. When she arrives, the nurse tells her Nate already gave his DNA sample.

Blair doesn't cry as they execute the tests they need. She just completely stops crying, and decides to wait for the results, wait for the reveal of her future.

Over the following week, Dan calls, and calls and calls and Blair never answers. She feels nauseous at the idea of even hearing his voice. Chuck had been right, when he told her she was about to get into something dangerous. She should have listened. She shouldn't have lied to herself, pretended that she was allowed not to play by the rules because she had suddenly realized she was unhappy.

The punishment is harsh. The test results are mailed to her apartment, and Nate isn't the father. Blair imagines his reaction reading the results himself, wherever he is. She wonders if he is relieved or happy even. Or was he also secretly hoping the child was his and that it would allow them to forget whatever happened?

She throws away the test results, and takes a cab to Brooklyn. She doesn't knock as she gets to the doors, just opens them and finds Dan standing in his kitchen, still wearing his pajamas, and his glasses. She knows when she sees him that he has been writing all night; that's one of the things she's learned to notice about him. She also knows he won't be in a mood for discussing, less fighting. But just like she owed Nate an explanation that never came, Dan owes her a bigger one.

"Why did you do it?" she asks.

Dan puts down his cup of coffee, and crosses his arms.

"What? Call you a thousand times, worry about you without you answering?" he asks "Gossip Girl announced your return from The Bahamas a week ago, Blair"

"Don't play dumb, Dan, for the love of God!" Blair yells "Why did you send Nate the pictures? You said you would wait for me. You said you would give me time"

"I don't understand what you're talking about, Blair" Dan says calmly "What pictures? I haven't sent anything to your husband"

He doesn't look like he is lying, just extremely annoyed and confused. Blair swallows, her anger making her thirsty.

"Well, someone mailed to my home the Polaroid pictures of me you took"

Dan frowns even more, and leaves the kitchen to walk to his room. Blair doesn't follow him, trying to locate the missing part of this fucked up puzzle. When Dan doesn't come back after the ruffling in his room has quieted down, Blair walks over there and sees him sitting on the edge of his bed, hands over his face.

"It was Gaspard" he says "I took your advice when you were away and I invited him over to talk. It…got out of hands, and he was gone when I woke up. I called him and told him I didn't want to get back with him, that I'm in love with someone and it's going to work. He hung up on me. I never heard from him again"

Blair has trouble breathing by now. So Dan didn't send the pictures, but she would rather he had, compared to what he actually did. She surges forward to slap his cheek. His head turns and his eyes close, taking it in.

"I'm sorry" he whispers

"You said you were going to wait"

"I know I did" his head turns again so their eyes can meet "But the more time passed, the more obvious it became that it was very unlikely that you were ever going to leave Nate"

"This isn't fair! He was my husband, I had built a life with him" Blair wipes the angry tears off her face "But I guess you can't understand that. Cheating on your spouse is not that big of a deal to you, is it?"

"Don't" Dan stands up, and Blair lifts her head to defy him with her glare. "I'm sorry I hurt you, Blair. I'm sorry that I'm not as perfect as you would have liked me to be. But at least _I _told Gaspard I wanted to be with you. You actually waited for Nate to find out, and leave you"

Blair opens her mouth in a reflex of banter, but there isn't anything she can say. She is right, and Dan is right. And it's not the kind of relieving truth that allows going forward. It's the kind that burns downs a veil that had been keeping their sight from acknowledging it.

Blair feels nauseous all of a sudden, and the main reason of it makes her panick.

"I have to go" she manages to say between deep breaths.

Dan doesn't stop her, doesn't go after her, but she hears him just say her name weakly as she leaves.

Blair takes herself to bed for two days, burring her sorrow in numbness and laziness. She barely eats, doesn't even shower, just keeps hoping for a phone call from Dan to tell her that they can make it work, that they are not as big of a joke as they seem to be. It never comes. So Blair decides she is going to stay in bed and sleep, and perhaps realize everything was just a nightmare. She gets out of bed, eventually, the third day when she receives an email from her boss.

She is asked to travel to Paris and represent The Metropolitan Museum of Art at the funeral of Gaspard Levalois, who ended his own life four days ago.

* * *

_The final chapter is up! Go on and read it!_


	10. Chapter 10

_Oh, my dear friends, what to say? Writing this fic has truly been a wonderful experience, I got to be very daring and I am thrilled that you stuck with me._

_I enjoyed Blair's point of view, and being able to show those characters under a very different light. Thank you again for reading, and I hope you will like the last chapter._

* * *

It's too hot, the day of the funeral. The inside of the church is suffocating, Blair fans herself uselessly, eyes fixed on the coffin.

No one knows why he did it. He didn't leave a note, so no explanations. He wasn't known to be unhappy, or depressed. Everyone knows the exact same thing; Gaspard Levalois had everything to be happy and swallowed a full glass of bleach one night.

Blair only assumes Dan knows about it, even though he isn't there. She didn't dare call to ask, didn't want to risk being the one stabbing him with the news. She simply took a plane to Paris, as she was asked to, and ironically hoped to run into him at the service. But he is nowhere to be seen, and Blair isn't surprised, nor disappointed. She is simply worried that Dan will blame himself for it. Even though the circumstances of Gaspard's decision are still extremely blurry, even though they don't know for sure Dan's rejection had nothing to do with it, Blair doesn't want him to torture himself about it, as she knows he probably will. She has been haunted by it, herself, wondering her role in the millions of factors that motivated Gaspard's action. Perhaps he only did it because he knew how much it would affect her, and Dan.

There is only Gaspard's older sister to talk during the memorial, since he had no other family apparently. She doesn't seem particularly shaken by the tragedy; she explains that they were never that close.

So Gaspard Levalois, the man who had ruined her marriage and brought her insecurities she never knew could exist, would remain an enigma to Blair until the very end.

After the ceremony, after the coffin is brought down to the tomb, Blair considers going back to her hotel room. She knows her director would kill her for not making sure everyone knew The Metropolitan was gravely concerned by the matter, but it's too hot, she has been standing in heels for hours and her she feels a stinging pain piercing her back. As the crowd starts processing out of the cemetery to go back to the memorial house, Blair tries to hail for a taxi. The sun is hitting hard on her head, and she feels like her legs will give up on her any minute.

"Here" someone says.

Blair turns. A woman dressed in black is handing her a bottle of water with a friendly smile. Before even thanking her, Blair takes the bottle and drinks half of it in a few gulps.

"Merci" Blair says in a resourced breathing.

"You can speak English, I'm Scottish" the woman says "And you're welcome, you looked like you needed it"

"How did you know I speak English?" Blair asks.

"Because I saw you hailing for a cab, and only Londoners and New Yorkers forget that it's not how it works in Paris. And because you didn't look as sad as everyone else, and there are only the French to actually be sorry that he passed away"

She doesn't seem ashamed to speak of Gaspard this way, accompanying her comment with a small shrug, and smiling at Blair the whole time. She holds out her hand.

"Emily McQueen, I used to work for Mr. Levalois"

Blair isn't surprised about that either. She connected the dots pretty easily. She shakes Emily's hand, examining her face. She has clear blond curly hair, a small nose and big blue eyes. She looks nice, and soft, but straight-forward. She is just a bit smaller than Blair, and her sense of style isn't completely repulsing.

"Blair Archibald" Blair says, when she realizes she's been shaking her hand without talking for a while "Sorry. I feel like I know you"

"I doubt it" Emily says with a fond smile "But I know you. I've heard of your exhibits."

Blair nods, forcing a smile. She still feels too hot, and now a bit awkward. Emily seems to notice it.

"There is a place not far, we'll find a cab over there for you. I'll walk with you"

"You don't have to" Blair mumbles, starting to walk.

Emily shrugs "I was going to take one too. So, were you close to Gaspard?"

"My boss was" Blair says, finding the most commode answer "He and I never really interacted"

"He was extremely smart and talented, I'm sure you've heard" Emily says, staring at the ground while she walks "Obviously too much for his own good"

"Why are you here?" Blair can't stop herself from asking.

Because she knows everything that happened, and hadn't she been forced to herself, Blair would have never set foot to Gaspard's funeral. So she needs to make sure meeting Emily there isn't a sign from the universe telling her God knows what.

"I mean, you don't seem very fond of him" Blair tries to correct the brutality of her previous question.

If Gaspard used to smile a lot, Emily's specialty is to shrug carelessly.

"I figured I owed him to" she says "Gaspard has hurt me in a way no one has ever hurt me before. But he called me to apologize, the night before he killed himself"

"He did?"

Emily nods "I let his call go to voicemail, so I couldn't tell him that I didn't want his apology. I came here today to notify, if not to him then to myself, that I accept it"

"Why accept it?"

True to Emily's words, on the little place, they find several taxis waiting. She walks Blair to one of them, seemingly thinking of an answer.

"Because if we never move on from the things that hurt us, we'll all end up just like him"

She gives Blair her hand again. Blair shakes it back a bit numbly.

"It was an honor to meet you, Blair Archibald"

"Waldorf" Blair says "It's Waldorf, now"

She wouldn't have corrected her, if Emily hadn't just commented about moving on. But shaking the hand of the ex-wife of the man whose baby she was secretly carrying, Blair realized her life was going to drastically change, and it was up to her to make those changes the good kind.

The news of her divorce with Nate gets to Gossip Girl first, obviously. Then Page Six follows, then the local tabloids. Blair begins to get tracked almost every single time she leaves her apartment. Soon she only goes out to go to work, and come back home. Alone in her apartment, she gets through morning sickness, and does all of the things she used to do with Nate, and some of the things she used to do with Dan. She eats salads, and watches Hollywood's Golden Age movies, hand on her belly.

One Sunday afternoon, the bell rings. Neither Serena nor Chuck called to say they were stopping by, so Blair's heart shifts in her chest, imagining it's Nate coming to pick up the rest of his things.

Vanessa Abrams is the last person Blair expects to see at her doorstep. She looks very different, her outfit is still colorful, but her hair is straight, and shorter. She looks mature, and happy, non-poisoned by the Upper East Side.

"Hello" she says with a calm smile "May I come in?"

Once the shock has passed, an old reflex triggers inside of Blair.

"What do you want?" she bites, slightly arching in her back so Vanessa won't notice the slight bump under her blouse.

Vanessa doesn't seem taken aback or cross by Blair's reaction.

"May I come in?" she asks again.

With a tired sigh, because she has no counter argument and she is curious, Blair steps aside to let her in. Vanessa gets into the foyer, and waits for Blair to close the door.

"Dan told me everything" she says "I don't think he remembers, he was pretty wasted. But at least I got the answer as to why he looked so radiant for months, and then so miserable all of a sudden"

"So?" Blair crosses instinctively her arms "What is your purpose to coming here?"

"I came to give you this" Vanessa takes out an envelope from her purse and hands it to Blair "It's an invitation to the premiere of our movie tomorrow night. You should come, and talk to him"

"He won't want to see me" Blair doesn't mean to sound as hurt as she does.

"Dan has never really known what was good for him. Otherwise, he wouldn't have ended things with you"

Vanessa says it like she means it, and it unhinges Blair more than she can remember.

"It'll only make him more miserable to see me" Blair says.

"Then tell him I was the one to insist" Vanessa hikes her purse back on her shoulder "I'll take full responsibility for everything. But please, come"

Vanessa leaves without any other words, but with another smile. Blair stares down to the envelope for long minutes, before throwing it in the bin.

She picks it back up the following night, as she gets ready to leave for the premiere.

Blair knows if the pregnancy goes through, she and Dan will be forever linked. They've created a child together, at a time they were both in love with each other and she ought to tell him. The fatality of it scares her, but Blair knows she is the only one to blame. She didn't trust Dan, she didn't believe him when he said he would wait for her, and she knows he will want to make her pay. Sometimes, she thinks it would be better not to tell him. She considered moving away from New York, and raise her child by herself, without constantly being reminded that she is the reason why Dan isn't in love with her anymore. She knows it's impossible. Dan will find out, sooner or later, and her not telling him would only make everything worse. She is scared that Dan will force himself to tolerate her existence for their child, when he would rather just forget her. Sometimes, she even thinks it would be a blessing if a miscarriage occurs. The selfishness of the thought gives her a hard time to sleep.

At the premiere, she sits by the back of the theater. Dan hasn't seen her, but she sees him. He is sitting at the front row, whispering to Vanessa with a smile that is certainly supposed to be excited. But Blair knows him, and she knows his mind is miles away from the movie. She wonders if he thinks of her, or of Gaspard. Blair's insecurity about his connection to Dan is only heightened now that he's dead, and she shouldn't even be allowed to feel this way again.

Blair likes the movie. It's truthful enough to the book, and she can pinpoint exactly what element of it is Dan's idea. After the showing, she makes herself discreet at the party, stands quietly in a corner and looks at Dan shaking hands with people she doesn't know. Rufus and Lily come to her, tell her how sorry they are about her divorce and that she shouldn't hesitate to ask if she needs anything. It makes Blair a bit sick; if only they knew.

Dan sees her, eventually. Their eyes lock while he's shaking the hand of someone. He doesn't look away, and it makes Blair uncomfortable. She doesn't what meaning to draw from his expression; closed, and wondering. He makes his way to her, hands in his pockets.

"You weren't invited" he says.

"Vanessa invited me" Blair replies sharply, not liking his tone.

Dan grunts a little, turning around to glance at Vanessa before facing her again.

"You didn't have to come"

"I did. I need to talk to you"

Dan doesn't seem to hesitate before he takes her by the arm, and brings her outside. The softness of his touch surprises Blair, pleases her and hurts her the same. He releases her once they've passed the doors of the theater. To ease down her anxiety, Blair compliments on the movie, hands tight around her clutch that she positioned in front of her belly. She isn't really showing, but Dan knows her body better than anybody else.

She has never been more aware of her pregnancy than now that she is staring into his eyes.

"Did you go to the funeral?" Dan ends up asking when there is a lingering silence.

His voice was soft and tense, like he was afraid to ask the question, but eager to know the answer. Blair nods silently.

"Did someone know why he did it?" he asks, then.

Blair simply shakes her head. They fall back into silence.

"Emily was there" she says.

Dan, who was staring at the ground since the mention of Gaspard's funeral, lifts his head. He looks at Blair like he has a thousand of questions to ask.

"How did she look?" is the one he lets out.

Blair takes her time to think of her answer, trying to remember the effect Emily had on her.

"Peaceful"

Dan nods, and mutters a '_good_', staring back to the ground.

"What did you want to tell me?"

Blair shrugs, says the first thing that comes to mind.

"I miss you. I miss watching movies with you and going to The Morgan with you. I wish we could still be friends again"

Dan lets out a sigh, leaning against the wall.

"I miss it too, all of that. But we can't be friends again, at least not yet I think. It would only serve my ridiculous fantasy about us"

"What fantasy?" Blair asks, seeing her opening.

"I don't know, I just…" Dan looks at her then "You are so different from what I used to remember. I came back from London, and met you again and it was like I had been running away, looking from something that had been right under my nose. That kind of fantasy. But then, of course, everything comes crashing down because you're still Blair Waldorf, and this is still the Upper East Side. I don't even know how we happened."

Blair stays silent. The moment to tell him isn't right, it would only make it seem like she is trying to get revenge on him for something none of them is responsible. Dan stands back straight, and moves to take her in his arms. Blair's brain goes into alert mode, and she takes a step back. Their eyes meet, she sees his disappointment as his arms fall slowly.

"See you around, Blair" he says finally, before returning to the party.

Blair has a reflex to want to call him back, that she doesn't give into because how is she to explain that she did want him to hold her in his arms, she just didn't want him to feel his baby growing under her dress.

She stands on the sidewalk and stares blindly at the open doors, distracted only when someone puts a hand on her shoulder.

"I didn't think I would see you here" Serena says, looking around "Dan is going to be pissed at me for being so late, but I didn't want to risk running into Chuck"

She stops her peripheral inspection when she sees Blair's face.

"Did you tell him?" she asks softly.

Blair shakes her head "No. I don't feel well, sorry, I have to go"

Serena passes an arm around her shoulders, ready to accompany her and stops short when Chuck appears at the exit. Blair is only half aware of the glare the two of them exchange, before Chuck moves one way and Serena takes Blair the other.

"We're going to your place to pick up your stuff" she tells her "You're moving in with me"

Blair doesn't protest, and moves in with Serena. She has her own room, and Serena has hired someone to wait on her when she needs. Serena's building also has a private garden, it's a nice change in the routine to sit there after leaving the museum.

One day, when the nausea is too intense and her muscles too sore for even get out of bed, Chuck visits her. He comes with flowers, white peonies that he puts on her nightstand before sitting next to her on the bed.

"Word is you're pregnant" he whispers.

"Serena told you" Blair rolls her eyes.

"Word is it's not Nate's" he says then "Word is you haven't told the father"

"Word is you're in love with your sister" Blair bites back, sinking into the depth of her comforter.

"Word is you're damaging yourself because of it" Chuck continues, ignoring her.

"I'm perfectly fine, thank you very much"

"You're three months pregnant, and you won't go see a doctor to get checked out because you're scared the rumor spreads and that you'll have to tell him"

"Wrong" Blair groans "I won't go see a doctor because last time, he didn't predict the complications. Why should it be different now? It would be a waste of time"

"You're not making any sense, darling"

"Fuck you"

"At least we can check the overworking hormones out of the list of things going normally"

Blair turns in the bed, giving him her back.

"I don't need him. I don't need anyone."

"He will want the baby, if that's what you're scared of" Chuck says, before huffing, slightly mocking "He's a Humphrey"

"And if I do tell him, and he doesn't want it, I'll look like an idiot. I don't look good, as an idiot"

"No one does" she hears Chuck get off the bed "Talk to the man, Waldorf. Let's end this arc of your life for good"

"Just go back to your office, Chuck"

She hears his steps to the door, and when the sound of the handle clicks, she turns around.

"Chuck" she calls, and waits for him to turn "You're not in love with Serena, are you?"

She is only asking because if _that_ can happen, she will have the confirmation things change, and that she isn't completely paranoid to fear rejection from Dan. Chuck stuffs his hands in his pocket.

"If I were" he says "I'd be an idiot. And I don't look good, as an idiot"

Blair considers giving him the finger before he leaves.

She doesn't get any better, not matter how much she tries to rest properly. A few days later, when Serena is already gone God knows where for the day, Blair opens her eyes to realize that her vision is blurry. The pain piercing in the small of her back and in her stomach, slicing her muscles up. She also feels hot, burning even, she can feel the sweat on her body soak her clothes. The little energy she has serves her to crawl to the living room, grab the phone and dial 911. Then she considers getting into a more appropriate outfit, but the pain paralyzes her entirely.

She remains lying on the carpet of Serena's living room until the emergency staff gets in with the help of the concierge. They ask Blair to tell what she feels. The only answer she can think of giving is that she is pregnant, and that she is losing the baby. Another thing she brought on herself. She did sort of wish for it to happen. She didn't listen to Serena or Chuck when they told her to get to a doctor.

The paramedic takes her in as she starts crying, blabbering things that she even doesn't understand. They give her something so she can fall asleep. Before she does, Blair makes a last wish fulfillment. _Please stay¸_ she asks the baby, because she is so tired and she feels so lonely.

The constant beeping is what makes her wake up. Everything feels numb, heavy, and static. Everything is so white too. The smell of bleach is so present that she's barely blinked before she bends over the side of the bed she is lying on, and throws up.

"Nurse! Nurse!"

Blair wants to sit up when she hears the voice, but she is still throwing up. So she holds up her hand, tries to verify with a touch that what she heard is real. Nate grabs her hand and holds it tight, supports her through her vomiting fit.

A nurse comes in, sighs at the mess and says it's normal. They give Blair water to drink, while the janitor comes in to clean up. Within ten minutes, Blair is breathing easier, seeing easier and sitting up calmly in her bed, with only Nate by her side. They exchange a look; Blair doesn't know what to ask. He sighs.

"I'm still your emergency contact" he says

Blair nods, and rubs her belly for the first time since she's woken up. She sighs in relief; the baby is still there, she can feel it.

"They say you're going to have to take an early maternity leave" Nate continues, rubbing his hands nervously and looking down to them.

"I can't" Blair shakes her head "People will know, then"

"I don't think you have much of a choice, if you want to keep this baby alive" Nate gives her a pointed look "And _people_ were going to find out, sooner or later, Blair"

"Please" Blair closes her eyes "Spare me the 'he deserves to know' speech. Not you"

"I wasn't going to give you any speech" Nate shrugs "I don't want to get involved in that story. I was just stating a fact"

"I feel so tired"

What she means is that she feels tired of life, of hiding, of wondering and explaining. She thinks Nate understands just that too, even though he ends up telling her to sleep.

"Go on" he says "I'll come back tonight to check on you"

"You don't have to" Blair tells him, half hopeful he feels the contrary.

"I want to" he insists without looking at her.

He stands up from his seat, and leans over her bed to press a kiss on her forehead, hand curled around the back of her neck.

"Sleep, Waldorf"

"I'm sorry" Blair replies, holding him down by grabbing his forearm "I really am, you know"

Nate doesn't reply, but he lets go of her and leaves the room. Blair lies back in the bed, and stares out the window until her eyes drift shut again.

At her awakening, it's not Nate, but Dan sitting in a chair next to her bed, contemplating her with a frown. Blair sits up abruptly, instinctively trying to hide her belly. Dan gives her a look, asking her with it not to take him for an idiot.

"Nate called me" he says, unmoving and then after a short pause "Why didn't you tell me?"

Blair lies back, looking at him and only realizing how much she missed doing just that.

"I didn't want you to feel trapped or ambushed or…I don't know"

Dan leaves a long silence settle, meditating on her answer before he talks again.

"I've been trapped for a while you know"

Blair didn't realize she was going to cry until she actually starts. Before the sobbing gets stronger, she wipes her tears and looks for a way to end this situation once and for all.

"Dan, I'm tired and I feel like I'm drowning and I'm going to have your baby; so please tell me, do you still love me?"

"I do"

The instant answer startles her. She swallows.

"But it's like I told you before" he says "I don't know what to do with that. Loving you is the most complex thing that I've ever experienced."

"Let me help you figure it out, then" Blair sits up again, to get out of the bed.

Dan stands up in a rush, his arms on her shoulders like her legs are about to shatter and she is going to collapse. Blair pushes them away. She wants him to see that she _will_ be doing fine on her own, and that she doesn't want to be with him, if it's out of pity. Blair feels inside of her in a hot, strong flash, waves of butterflies that she wants to love Dan Humphrey and that she wants Dan Humphrey to love her back.

"We should be together, Dan. Take me back and let's just live. Let's put Gaspard, and Nate and Emily in the past, okay?"

"Okay, but sit back down, please Blair" he gently pushes her toward the bed.

"No!" Blair pushes him back, hands pressed on his chest "Say that we will be together, or leave right now and never come back to break my heart"

The anticipation makes her suddenly breathless. Dan puts his hands on his hips, frowning.

"You are frustratingly controlling. I already told the nurse I'm the father and that you're coming back home with me when you get discharged tomorrow"

Blair's eyes stretch "You did what? Humphrey, people will know!"

"It's been on Gossip Girl for about three hours now" Dan shrugs "But we don't give a fuck, right?"

Blair finally sits back down, eyes upon. He is now the one anxious for her answer. Blair puts a hand on her stomach, tries to feel the presence she's gotten so used to over the last three months, realizing that Dan Humphrey is the one responsible for it. All those years she was trying so hard not to go back to square one, unaware that her life hadn't really started yet, Blair wants to laugh of it now.

"Come here, Humphrey" she says, extending her hand "Kiss me"

He takes her hand in his, and steps closer, leaning down to wrap his arms around her waist and lift her against his chest. His eyes roam on her face for a moment, before he leans in and kisses her.

When Dan leaves her that night, Blair is sure it was a fantasy. But when she gets ready to leave the hospital the next day, he is there, leaning against the doorframe.

He takes her back to the loft with him. He makes her sit at the kitchen bar with a bottle of water while he starts preparing some soup. While the stew is on the stove, he suggests she takes a bath to relax. Blair can only nod, heart secretly bursting that he is taking care of her and that it doesn't seem to be a burden for him.

He gives her one of his pajamas and helps her set the water temperature right. When the bath is ready, Blair sees him sort of dance on his feet with awkwardness.

"Can I see?" he asks.

When Blair understands what he means, she blushes and shrugs.

"There is not much to see, I'm only three months along"

Dan shrugs back. So Blair unzips her dress slowly, and pulls it down, eyes fixed on Dan who is staring at her stomach. His eyes stretch a little when he sees the slight bump.

"You're so tiny and skinny" he says softly, still staring at her belly "It looks weird"

"Well, thank you" Blair replies dryly.

He doesn't apologize for vexing her, too focused on the change of her body. Blair takes off her underwear and slips into the bath. Dan remains standing there, silent. Then he steps forward, toward the bath tub and sits on the edge of it.

Blair watches as he dips his right hand in the water, and presses it softly on her belly. Her hand settles on his naturally, without even her real consent. Dan gets a light chuckle of incredulity at what he feels. He looks up at her with a smile.

Blair smiles back.

* * *

_Again, thank you for sticking with me. I am currently working on three new one shots, and I will also focus on the last installment of the La Bohème series - Les Plaisirs Démodés. I hope you all enjoy your start of summer._

_See you soon!_

_xo_


End file.
